Real-life Scrooge expects team to do some work this week

A REAL-LIFE version of Scrooge has cruelly demanded his merry staff do some work this week. 

Small business owner and money-obsessed old bastard Martin Bishop of Northampton displayed his flinty heartlessness by emailing staff with a list of tasks to be completed in the next five days, even though it is Christmas month. 

Payroll manager Carolyn Ryan said: “We thought such callous tight-fistedness was a thing of Victorian times, but no. That pitilessness of old has risen again today. 

“All Simon was doing was peacefully sitting with his feet up at his desk trying to decide his films of the year and that monster says ‘Sorry, Simon, but would you mind getting me the week’s ROI figures?’

“And poor Lindsey was weeping in the toilets when he asked her to turn down her ‘Xmas Jamz’ Spotify playlist just because he was on a conference call. The beast.

“Our only hope is that he’ll be visited by three ghosts showing him that Britain has done fuck all this week, then finally he’ll understand the spirit of the season.” 

But ruthless taskmaster Bishop later sent an email confirming Wednesday’s team meeting will go ahead as usual, confirming beliefs that he is past all hope and will die alone, probably of the pox.

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Part-time smokers unveil plan to steal lighters

PART-time smokers have announced plans to light the filter end and then pocket a lighter at some point this week.

With Christmas nights out in full flow it is thought that, along with lighting the filter end and stealing lighters, not buying your own cigarettes will also be on the rise.

Part-time smoker, Martin Bishop said: “I only smoke when I drink and at Christmas.

“This is also the time when I like to steal your lighter while looking right at you because I know that you smoke regularly and it will be a pain in the arse for you.”

Fellow part time smoker, Emma Bradford added: “Nothing says part-time, festive smoker like lighting the filter end and puffing away for a good minute or so before realising.

“And then I’ll ask for another one. Cigarettes are so cheap, aren’t they?”