Second referendum would 'break faith with people who want me executed', says May

THE prime minister has warned that a second referendum would ‘break faith’ with those members of the British public who want her executed as a traitor. 

Theresa May has urged parliament not to damage Britain’s democracy by going against the wishes of people openly calling for a military coup. 

She continued: “In order to appease the small minority who genuinely believe I am a treasonous secret Remainer working with the EU to betray Britain, the whole country must be denied a vote. 

“There is no way I can simultaneously honour the wishes of rabid Daily Mail commentators insisting I, and my government, be locked in the Tower and all the sane people, so I must choose the former. 

“To do so would be to undermine democracy, as it would be to investigate Russian attempts to undermine our democracy which is why I have refused to do so. 

“Brexit is going ahead because it is the will of the people. If it is also the will of the people that I be hung, drawn and quartered then we can discuss that too.” 

Brexiter Norman Steele said: “I know it’s my role to go even more extreme at this point but I’m not sure where to go.” 

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As a true Slade fan, I am deeply angered by your refusal to explore their back catalogue

I AM a devoted Slade fan or ‘Sladean’, and you might think I’d love this time of year. Not so.

Every year the office Christmas disco rolls around, and you are surprised to find me glowering in the corner when Merry Christmas Everybody comes on (or ‘Here It Is, Merry Christmas’, as some ignoramuses would have it). “What’s the matter?” you inevitably ask, “I thought you’d be loving this!”

If only you fair-weather clowns could see through the eyes of a genuine devotee of the 80s Wolverhampton glam rock scene. For 11.8 months of the year I am a social pariah, my tight silver trousers, neon vest and 18 inch platform boots with frogs painted on them widely mocked by the clientele of the local All Bar One.

But while you office party drones may listen to Cum On Feel The Noize at a push, my exhortations to check out the real Slade, as showcased on 1984’s gritty Keep Your Hands Off My Power Supply or 1987’s potent return to form You Boyz Make Big Noize, tragically fall on deaf ears.

You ignorant, ignorant bastards. The best Slade track, as any serious glamorous rock aficionado knows, is I’m Mad from the b-side of 1979’s genre-defining Return to Base. But you don’t hear me say that because they’re too busy trying to drag me out of my seat “for a bit of a boogie”.

You’re never even heard of other Wolves-based vintage glam rock bands like Jelly Trousers, Video Sorcerers or Big Tits In Space. And nor will you, despite my best efforts. So I’ll be staying here on my chair thank you very much, while you conga around with your drunken ignorance of Noddy’s wider songwriting craft.

Frankly, you all make me sick.