May: I will never forgive you for feeling sorry for me

THERESA May has vowed to humiliate and destroy everyone who felt sympathy for her yesterday. 

The prime minister, who later tweeted a photo of the troublesome rat skull that was stuck in her throat during the speech with the caption ‘Cleared it!’, said it was an outpouring of ordinary human emotion that she will never forgive.

She continued: “Your empathy for my misfortune has left me feeling soiled. Only a purge can make me clean again.

“If you said ‘Ooooh,’ while I coughed, if you covered your eyes unable to watch while I was mocked by a BBC Three comedian, if you dared to feel pity, then my revenge will be great.

“Don’t delude yourself. I am not weak like you. This was a momentary malfunction, that’s all, one that has been corrected and officially never happened.”

May added: “You, Joseph Turner of Stoke-on-Trent. Our monitors heard you saying ‘Poor cow,’ during the News at Ten last night. Today, they will come for you.

“I will see you broken for what you have done. And I will not feel for you one bit.”