Normal humans struggling to imagine event where highlight is a speech by Theresa May

NORMAL people are trying to comprehend a days-long event where the best bit is Theresa May saying things.

As the Conservative Party conference draws to a close, ordinary Britons found themselves trying to comprehend just how awful it must have been.

Mother-of-two Susan Traherne said: “Imagine looking at your watch and thinking ‘Theresa’s on in twenty minutes, better grab a good seat down the front because this is gonna be awesome’.

“You can’t do it, can you?”

Wayne Hayes, from Reading, said: “I went to see the musical version of War of The Worlds which I found pretty fucking boring, but at least it wasn’t four days long and Philip Hammond wasn’t in it.

“When Theresa May talks I just hear an out-of-tune trombone like when adults talk in Peanuts. Christ, imagine getting excited about that like it’s a big treat.

“Your life would have to be very, very empty indeed.”

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Kind, concerned woman constantly telling friends they look hellish

A KIND, concerned woman spends most of her time telling her friends how tired and shit they look.

Karen Irving, 31, prides herself on taking on interest in the well-being of those around her, and is eager to point out potential issues such as grey hairs, dandruff and psoriasis.

Long-suffering friend Nikki Hollis: “She said this morning that she was jealous of the exciting social life I must have because I always look so hungover. I literally haven’t been out past 9pm in weeks.

“And the last time I saw her she said how great it is that I don’t worry about following fashion, and dress in a way that looks so ‘slouchy and comfortable’.

“I went straight out and blew two hundred quid in Zara after that lunch.”

Other recent interventions include Irving’s decision to inform a cousin that she was ‘brave’ for not getting braces on her crooked teeth, and pointing out a potentially cancerous mole on a workmate’s arm.

Meanwhile, Irving continues to congratulate herself as someone who would never judge others on their appearance, and regularly posts inspirational memes on Facebook about body positivity.