Londoners reassured that air pollution is trendy

TOXIC air is trendy and soon everyone in the provinces will want it, Londoners have been reassured.

After it emerged that every area of London exceeds air pollution guidelines, residents were told that severely poison-laced atmosphere is cool and they won’t even get it in Manchester for two years.

A government spokesman said: “Think how the rest of the UK scoffed when London pioneered ‘bottomless brunch’ and high quality fried chicken. It’s exactly the same with the damaging air particle PM2.5.

“Never heard of it before? Exactly. Nor have your uncool relatives in Swindon.

“But when they start asking about your hacking cough, you’ll be able to tell them that’s what caused it and they’ll look at you enviously before scuttling off to google it on their off-brand smartphones.”

Londoner Wayne Hayes said: “London’s so full of surprises, you never know whether you’re going to get a great new pop-up with dolls hanging from the ceiling or a long-term respiratory condition.

“I’m going to get asthma next week. It’s a thing.”

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Rudd can’t understand why internet won’t do as it’s told

THE home secretary has admitted she cannot see why the man who runs the internet will not just delete all the bits she finds offensive. 

Amber Rudd told the Conservative Party conference that she regularly prints out pages from the internet, circles the bits that offend her in red, and asks her secretary to forward them on, but has yet to receive a reply.

She continued: “There’s no phone number at the bottom of Google. I can’t find out where YouTube’s British office is. And as for Facebook, apparently I don’t see the same things on my ‘Face’ as other people see on their ‘Face’. It makes everything needlessly difficult.

“All I want is all the extremist content – dirty pictures, anything unpatriotic about Brexit and the entire John Lewis website – to be removed and not to pop back up again within minutes.

“So I appeal now to ‘Steve Jobs’ – probably not even his real name – to remove everything I don’t like and leave the bits I do like. It is not complicated.”

Rudd added: “And this ‘encryption’, which means we can’t read messages about Bake Off, has to stop. It’s just rude.”