TOXIC air is trendy and soon everyone in the provinces will want it, Londoners have been reassured.
After it emerged that every area of London exceeds air pollution guidelines, residents were told that severely poison-laced atmosphere is cool and they won’t even get it in Manchester for two years.
A government spokesman said: “Think how the rest of the UK scoffed when London pioneered ‘bottomless brunch’ and high quality fried chicken. It’s exactly the same with the damaging air particle PM2.5.
“Never heard of it before? Exactly. Nor have your uncool relatives in Swindon.
“But when they start asking about your hacking cough, you’ll be able to tell them that’s what caused it and they’ll look at you enviously before scuttling off to google it on their off-brand smartphones.”
Londoner Wayne Hayes said: “London’s so full of surprises, you never know whether you’re going to get a great new pop-up with dolls hanging from the ceiling or a long-term respiratory condition.
“I’m going to get asthma next week. It’s a thing.”