May to explain Brexit with interpretative dance

THERESA May has promised to give a full and clear explanation of her Brexit plan in the form of a modern dance routine.

The prime minister has created a dance piece in which she uses expressive movement to illustrate issues such as access to the single market.

May said: “I begin by leaping across the stage in a white spandex catsuit to show whether I favour a ‘hard’ Brexit or something more akin to the Norwegian model.

“Then I run around the stage in a fey manner before dropping to the floor and curling up in a ball to symbolise the government’s position on EU fisheries policy.

“I feel the dance will clear up any outstanding questions about Brexit. It should all be perfectly clear to anyone with a basic grasp of EU law and avant-garde choreography.

“The routine continues with me approaching the audience and clawing wildly at the air like a demented cat to clarify our stance on financial passporting rights.

“I’d hoped Philip Hammond would join me on stage to dance some economic growth forecasts, but he was frustratingly reluctant to get into his leotard.”

Man furious after imaginary argument based on unlikely situation

A MAN has been left furious after imagining a confrontation he might have if a hotel room was disappointing.

Roy Hobbs has booked a room at The Acorns in Dorset for a weekend with his wife, but is now angry after thinking up things that could go wrong and how he would stand up to management if they did.

Hobbs said: “I can see myself kicking off if the telly doesn’t have all advertised channels.

“They might possibly make some excuse like ‘the ariel’s down because of a storm’, then I’ll remind them that I’m paying for a  TV, so they can provide that or compensate me.

“If they refused, or made excuses, I would throw a chair at the air conditioning unit.”

He added: “That said, we’ve stayed there four times now and it’s always been very good.”

Hobb’s wife Jenny said: “He’s always thinking up hypothetical arguments and describing how they would play out.

“They are often about his work or public transport, but there was one where he was on a space station and a fellow astronaut had eaten all the powdered ice cream.

“If that happened, he wouldn’t have it.”