Michael Gove 'surprisingly strong'

EDUCATION secretary Michael Gove has a surprising amount of upper body strength, it has emerged.

As new research showed that strong men are more likely to be conservative, Mr Gove claimed he could lift a sheep over his head.

He said: “It’s mainly barbells, some bench-work. And I eat a lot of Coco Pops.

“I’m naturally strong so the weights just give me that edge. Sometimes I’m so ripped I scare myself.”

Mr Gove said he was not surprised by the research as he always knew there was a fundamental connection between his Thatcherite politics and his raw, animal power.

He added: “There’s no such thing as society, there are only individuals, families and a really deep burn.”

Gove, who also claimed he has never needed to use a nutcracker, said his body-building heroes are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Atlas and John Redwood.

“It was John who first introduced me to bench-pressing. We would meet up in the House of Commons gym and spot each other while reading passages from Milton Friedman.

“Did you know that Friedman once punched a cow so hard that it just died?”

When the new academic year begins in September, Mr Gove will tour schools, lifting desks with one finger and challenging the biggest boy in the class to a bare-chested wrestling match.


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Mass zombie attack would seem boring and cliched

AN uprising by the ‘living dead’ would succeed because everyone is already so bored of that kind of thing, it has been claimed.

As zombie books, apps and postcards of Egg from This Life continue to flood shops, the Institute for Studies has warned that a real undead uprising would seem so tired and hackneyed that there would be little energy for retaliation.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If rotting corpses rose from their graves and started cannibalising us, instead of running to the hills most people would simply roll their eyes and mutter ‘God I’m sick of this shit, it stopped being fun in the 80s’.

“The fact that it was real zombies and not several hundred accountancy students covered in raspberry syrup would be irrelevant.

“It’s the sheer over-familiarity of shambling, arms-outstretched hordes that would make it impossible to care less, even as your still-beating heart was being torn from your body by something that used to be your neighbour.

“Probably your last thought would be, ‘can’t I at least die in a slightly more original manner?'”

Tom Logan, author of The Written-In-A-Week-Mostly-Pictures Zombie Outbreak Survivor Manual, said: “In the event of an undead attack, your first priority is ammunition… and… I can’t even be bothered to finish the sentence.

“Zombies aren’t real. You fucking idiots. And even if they were, my stupid book wouldn’t help you. I’m an advertising copywriter hoping to make a fast buck, not Chuck Norris.

“Actually, Chuck Norris… now there’s a good idea for a fast-turnaround humour book based on a pop culture trope that’s been done less than 200,000 times.”