'More politics? How absolutely f**king fantastic', says Britain

AN ECSTATIC Britain has thanked MPs for calling an early general election because it just cannot get enough of politicians on the news.

The prime minister told an excited, trembling nation: “I’m sorry I took so long. I know how much you hunger for politics to dominate the news.

“I know you love the debates, the special editions of Question Time and the party political broadcasts that show so much respect for your intelligence.

“And I know the absolute joy you experience when a pasty-faced weirdo knocks on your door and gives you a leaflet about how much Jeremy Corbyn loves Hitler.”

Delighted voter Tom Logan said: “I’m already planning a spectacular Leaders’ Debate party for all my friends.

“But what on earth am I going to wear?”

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Dream of owning Aga crushed by having to use the f*cking thing

A COUPLE who thought their middle-class dream was complete when they bought an Aga have instead ended up with burnt meals and a massive gas bill.

Martin Bishop and Francesca Johnson installed the Aga in their countryside cottage after the novelty of their summerhouse and keeping chickens wore off.

Bishop said: “We imagined it would be lovely to have a constant source of gentle heat radiating from the kitchen but it turns out that never being able to turn it off is a f**king nightmare.

“We’re boiling all through summer, it’s on while we’re asleep and you can’t even turn it off when you go away. We might as well just constantly burn ten-pound notes in an open fire instead.

“It’s so complicated it’s like being a steam engine enthusiast, and it’s impossible to cook anything properly. There are four ovens with apparently random temperatures so it’s a chicken’s either burnt to a black husk or a pale, salmonella-infested death-trap.

“Yes it makes the kitchen the heart of the home, but only because we can’t afford to heat anywhere else so we sit in here watching films on our laptops.

“We should have just had another kid. It would have been a cheaper and easier way to show off.”