My idiot sons could run this country better than you, Queen tells May

THE Queen has told Theresa May that her useless, do-nothing sons would be better at running Britain. 

The Queen said: “Bloody Andrew could do better, and the only thoughts in his head are helicopters, golf and tits.

“Jesus, I mean Charles chats to potatoes and married his horse but he’s not stupid enough to think he’d win a popularity contest. Neither am I. That’s why I don’t hold them.

“I wouldn’t trust you to beat Edward in a game of It’s A Royal fucking Knockout. That’s how useless you are. That’s actually past your level.”

The Queen added: “Off you fuck.”

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UK resigns

THE UK has handed in its resignation because it is not prepared to work under Boris Johnson as prime minister, it has confirmed. 

Britain’s population of 66 million cited the former London mayor’s Brexit policy, lax attitude towards sexual harrassment, work ethic and idiot face as reasons for quitting.

A joint letter said: “It is with sadness that we make this decision, but we cannot go along with the new nose-diving direction we anticipate the country taking under new management.

“Boris Johnson is not a leader we can feel comfortable working with, especially those amongst us who are PR girls, and therefore we feel it is better to leave now and include the exact date and time we left on our CVs to avoid confusion.

“We would like to thank the UK for the opportunities it has given us over the years, and we hope we can find similar opportunities in other countries that have yet to spectacularly lose their sh*t.

“Yours sincerely, Britain.”