Nick Clegg publishes Nectar points statement

NICK Clegg has made public his Sainsbury’s Nectar account in a bid for transparency over his finances.

The document, which runs to almost seven pages, lists his purchases for the last three years, mostly from the motorway services just south of Sheffield.

The former ‘deputy prime minister’ said: “I am happy to answer any questions on this matter, or any other matter. Seriously, I’ll even do LBC.”

Financial analysts are comparing his purchases of scotch eggs and grab bags of Maltesers in 2014 to see if there is any correlation with policies he supported while in the coalition.

However, Clegg has been criticised for his partial disclosure by the one person who read it and has been asked to confirm how many stamps he has on his Starbucks card.

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Scientists find shorter python that compensates with sense of humour

SCIENTISTS have discovered a python of below average length that makes up for it by cracking jokes.

Shortly after the longest python on record was found in Malaysia, researchers located its far shorter cousin, Tom Logan, who is less than a metre and a half long but does funny stuff like putting moss on his head and pretending it is a wig.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “This is the first time we’ve seen a shorter animal that compensates, or perhaps over-compensates, for its small size by relentlessly making gags of varying quality.

“Larger predators seems to avoid it, perhaps because they find it tiresome.”

Short python Tom Logan said: “I’m all about the banter.

“Sometimes I like to lie in a straight line between two round stones, so that I look like a penis and testicles. Everyone loves that, it’s classic.

“I just come up with this stuff off the top of my head.”

Elephant Nikki Hollis said: “He’s okay in very small doses.”