Office Eurosceptic admits it has lost him friends

A EUROSCEPTIC has claimed that, like Michael Gove, he has seen strong friendships crumble because of his refusal to accept the diktats of Brussels. 

Denys Finch Hatton, an audit manager in a Worcester office supplies company, instigates conversations about the EU with everyone he meets but says surprisingly few can see beyond politics. 

He continued: “I eat on my own in the canteen. People stand rather than sit next to me on the train. 

“And all because they have no answer to my robust arguments about the EUSSR’s unelected dictatorship, which I don’t like to be interrupted until they’re finished. 

“There’s no reason why I couldn’t be friends with a brainwashed stooge of a technocratic regime in the pockets of big finance, but nobody’s willing to extend a hand across that political divide.”

However co-worker Emma Bradford said: “I don’t know about Europe but Denys creeps me out. He’s someone I can imagine doing a bad thing on a bus.”

Finch Hatton said: “I might write to Michael Gove and tell him I know how he feels and to stay strong in his convictions. 

“I don’t think I’d be friends with him, though. He’s got fish lips.”

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Woman surprised to still be overweight despite having running app

DOWNLOADING an exercise app is not the same as actually doing exercise, it has been confirmed.

Emma Bradford, a digital marketing assistant from Solihull, downloaded an app called EZ Couch to 5K last month but has neither lost weight nor become fitter.

Bradford, 28, commented: “It said that EZ Couch to 5K would provide me with a motivating coach, show me how many calories I’ve burned and allow me to share my amazing progress on Facebook.

“I’ve opened the app a few times and entered my name and stuff, but if anything I’ve gained weight.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most people are made up of an unfortunate combination of vanity and stupidity.

“This means they are easily seduced into buying things that they think will magically make them slim with only the minimal effort of playing with their smartphone for a bit.

 “However, the unfortunate truth is that the only way to lose weight is to get off your fat arse and run around a lot in the punishing cold.”