Prince Andrew and four other bellends who might as well stand for London mayor

WITH the likes of Piers Corbyn, Laurence Fox and Shaun Bailey wanting to be mayor, are there other candidates of a similarly low calibre who could run our capital’s affairs? 

Prince Andrew

Following his entirely accidental association with all of that sordid unfortunateness that close friends didn’t mention to him, Andrew could redeem himself by taking an interest in buses and getting stuck on zip-wires. Slogan: ‘I could be mayor, no sweat!’

Ian Brown

The Mancunian vocalist and anti-lizard, anti-sheeple candidate could stand on a platform of making central London a mad-for-it, mask-free zone and organising a giant rave whose centrepiece was a bonfire of AstraZeneca and Pfizer vaccine doses. Slogan: ‘I wanna be a mayor.’

Danny Dyer

Mr London himself. Whatever was doing his nut in, he’d sort it out by giving it some. Slogan: ‘It’s awl coming over the top, innit? Slags.’

Piers Morgan

Was his melodramatic walkout from GMB a plan to take up a new career in politics? Sadly Piers would only have one policy – hating Meghan Markle. Wouldn’t really be helpful in meetings about transport infrastructure. Slogan: ‘Hands up who likes me and thinks Meghan’s a big fibber?’

Boris Johnson

As part-time prime minister, Alexander Johnson would have time for unfinished London business: converting Waterloo Bridge into a garden bridge, having water cannon on permanent standby and popping round to Jennifer Arcuri’s flat. Slogan: ‘Wha – I, ah, yes, world-beating. Yes! Er. Let’s get London done!’

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Six inappropriate ways Britons will be remembering Prince Philip

SOME members of the public take any solemn event as an opportunity to throw good taste out of the window. If you’re doing any of these things to remember Prince Philip, reconsider. 

Building a crap thing in your front garden

For Remembrance Sunday, people built strange cardboard tanks in their driveways. Philip was in the navy, so someone has surely made a crap destroyer out of boxes and called it ‘HMS Phil’. Or quite possibly put out a creepy mannequin of the Duke that scares children.

Leave a baffling tribute 

Leaving flowers is normal and tasteful, so f**k that. Get yourself down to Windsor Castle and leave a giant teddy bear – what Philip would surely have wanted – or something random, like a bobble hat you knitted yourself. 

Bucketloads of Diana-style fake emotion

You can’t genuinely grieve over people you’ve never met, and Philip wasn’t a famous person like Kurt Cobain who articulated the feelings of others. In fact it’s a reasonable assumption that Philip thought feelings were for nancy boys. However, many Brits will not let that stop them acting as if Philip was their best mate. 

A funeral is a fun day out

Confuse a funeral with sightseeing at Windsor Castle or Buckingham Palace, mainly taking pictures of the crowds to put on social media to prove you went. Do a bit of gift shopping, round it off with a Nando’s and a great day has been had by all. Except Philip.

Slagging off Meghan and Harry

Ooh, they’re awful, aren’t they? With their Hollywood lifestyle and no sense of duty. If you find yourself making comments like this then get a f**king life. Obviously this does not apply to Daily Mail columnists, who are free to bitchily nitpick every last detail, eg. ‘Was Meghan texting Harry DURING THE FUNERAL in her PLOT to become QUEEN?’ 

Get out the tat

Now is the time to display your tacky Royal plates and mugs. Maybe stick them in the window with some plastic St George Cross flags? If you’ve got a Union Jack suit complete with waistcoat, like the guy who’s always at Brexit rallies, enjoy wearing it all day even if you look a bit mad.