Privilege requires poor people too, say experts

PRIVILEGE exists because there are people who are not privileged, it was confirmed last night.

As prime minister David Cameron said he wanted to ‘extend privilege’, experts said he was either an idiot, a bastard or an idiot bastard.

Julian Cook, professor of politics at Roehampton University, said:  “And saying that you want everyone to go to Eton is empirically stupid. And therefore not a very good advert for going to Eton.

“What you say is ‘I want working and middle class people to have more money’. You then mention the best state school in the country and say that you want them all to be like that. People will know it’s just a speech, but at least you won’t sound like a fucking muppet.”

He added: “I have now come to the conclusion that the Conservative Party is indeed a broad church. Of cretins.

“My suspicions were first raised when they failed to win an overall majority after three years of a government led by Gordon Brown. I thought to myself, ‘that’s a bit stupid’.

“They are now 10 points behind a Labour Party led by someone who should be stacking shelves in Forbidden Planet and George Osborne is losing an economic debate to Ed Fucking Balls.

“Michael Gove only seems clever because he’s so weedy, while Ian Duncan Smith has the searing intelligence that leads to ‘faith-based’ solutions.

“Jeremy Hunt is the only one who is probably cleverer than he looks.

“And as for Boris Johnson? His cv thus far – Slagging off Europe in the Daily Telegraph, editing a magazine read largely by the senile, winning Henley for the Tories and defeating a Marxist newt-fancier.

“But where’s his Nobel Prize?”




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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After building a time machine you decide not to travel back to 1920s Germany to kill Hitler as planned and instead set the dial for a 1975 episode of Top Of The Pops.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Relief this week as you managed to get the amount of Glastonbury tickets you were after. None.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I am equally not arsed, to be honest. She’s got dance classes on a Tuesday night and she’s allergic to almonds. Knock yourself out.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Although several people have been imprisoned for posting abusive messages on Facebook, I think it’s unlikely the police will be interested in the time you pulled a wanker sign behind Mike Read on Saturday Superstore in 1983.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Friends have come to realise you’re not the best person to come to for love-life advice when most of your tips start with “Relationships are a lot like badger-baiting.”

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After getting the boiler checked it turns out you weren’t suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning as you’d feared, you’re just really hungover all the time.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The point at which you could be described as ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ has passed and the phrase ‘beef jerky dressed as veal’ is now more appropriate.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, the Archbishop of Canterbury orders a schoolgirl to get a right good kicking for getting a Blue Peter badge for her work in amateur archaeology.  Of course he fucking didn’t.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The wheels on the bus go round and round, all day long. Because it’s stopping for passengers that really makes the job shite.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Now you’ve taken a photo of the idyllic beach view on your holiday to make all your friends jealous, why not take a few snaps of the twenty-minute pissy argument you had with your other half about where you’re going for lunch?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve had to abandon your plans to make novelty Eric pickles after research shows they don’t make sterilised jars fucking enormous enough.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve reached a crossroads in your life. It’s 1986. You’re Ralph Macchio. I’ve no idea where I’m going with this.