Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t ask for a doggy bag at an all-you-can-eat buffet, as it might come across as slightly greedy.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The man that hath no music in himself, nor is moved with concord of sweet sounds, is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils. And that, I think you’ll find, is proof that deaf people are evil.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
To mark Nigel Farage’s candidacy in next year’s election you’re releasing a rap album called Fear Of A Black Thanet.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your plan to sell the stuff nan left you at auction backfires when Christie’s says they don’t deal in Class A drugs.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As a restaurant reviewer you struggle to get your tax returns done as there’s no accounting for taste.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No news from your bank manager on your loan application for a German breakfast bakery called Gluten Morgen.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You never really got into Assassin’s Creed but having heard their music, you reckon you’d like Creed’s assassin.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not pretend your Facebook account has been hacked and call loads of people at work ‘cock-nosed arsebags’?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
I think one of the reasons you’re not getting job interviews is the fact you list ‘wanking’ as a hobby.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you’re attacked by a bear, pretend to be dead. Organising a wake might be a bit over the top, mind.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If symptoms persist after three days, consult your GP. Actually, you may as well call them now because it will take that long to get an appointment.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Atheist cannibal still at large in Warwickshire. Nuneaton.