SCOTLAND is to relax restrictions on the hunting of anyone who voted ‘No’.
The ruling SNP claims it was forced to act because Scotland is becoming overrun with vermin eating away at the country’s future.
Richard Lochhead, the Secretary for the Environment, said: “They may be considered sweet little things in England but up here we can’t afford to be sentimental.
“They say you’re never more than six feet away from a No voter, and their effluent is poisoning the waters of our political discourse.
“We’ve worked through the numbers and there’s an overpopulation of exactly 383,937 – coincidentally the losing margin in last week’s referendum – but we’re issuing licences to get rid of a round half-million, just to be sure.”
Hunter Bill McKay said: “Most of these pathetic creatures are very old and clearly incapable of making choices which would improve their lives, so it’s a kindness anyway.”
Pleas to find safe havens in England for the No voters have so far gone unanswered.
Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “They’re lovely little creatures, but I wouldn’t want one in the back garden drinking Buckfast and shouting ‘Hootsmon’ in the middle of the night.”