Scottish Parliament legalises hunting of 'No' voters

SCOTLAND is to relax restrictions on the hunting of anyone who voted ‘No’.

The ruling SNP claims it was forced to act because Scotland is becoming overrun with vermin eating away at the country’s future.

Richard Lochhead, the Secretary for the Environment, said: “They may be considered sweet little things in England but up here we can’t afford to be sentimental.

“They say you’re never more than six feet away from a No voter, and their effluent is poisoning the waters of our political discourse.

“We’ve worked through the numbers and there’s an overpopulation of exactly 383,937 – coincidentally the losing margin in last week’s referendum – but we’re issuing licences to get rid of a round half-million, just to be sure.”

Hunter Bill McKay said: “Most of these pathetic creatures are very old and clearly incapable of making choices which would improve their lives, so it’s a kindness anyway.”

Pleas to find safe havens in England for the No voters have so far gone unanswered.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “They’re lovely little creatures, but I wouldn’t want one in the back garden drinking Buckfast and shouting ‘Hootsmon’ in the middle of the night.”

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Miliband unveils imaginary working class friend

ED Miliband has introduced Britain to ‘Keith’, his invisible working class friend.

The Labour leader revealed that he and Keith had been lifelong friends after meeting under a tree in the Milibands’ back garden when they were both nine years-old.

He said: “Me and Keith enjoy the football matches, the lager and those sandwiches that have lots of bacon in them.”

Miliband nodded and laughed before adding: “Keith was just saying that I’m a ‘twat’ when it comes to the sandwiches. That’s very Keith.

“He also said that life under the coalition is really awful and I’m the only person who understands.”

Miliband nodded again, while looking serious, and then said: “Keith was just telling me that some friends of his had been thinking of voting UKIP until he told them what a great guy I was. Thanks, chief.”

The Labour leader then held his right arm out as if it was around someone’s shoulder and added: “Keith and I are also working on a new law to stop decent boozers going all poncey.”