Second wave in two weeks and action against second wave in five weeks, warns Johnson

THE prime minister has warned that a second wave of coronavirus could begin in two weeks with urgent action against it scheduled for three weeks later. 

Boris Johnson told Britain he was extremely concerned about outbreaks ‘bubbling up’ in Britain by August 12th, and when that happened the government would act immediately following September 2nd.

He said: “As always we are led by the science, but we are also keeping a respectful and sensible distance from the science. A distance of about three weeks.

“So should infections begin to spike around Europe, we will not be slow to react by ordering all state employees back to work in offices, to save Pret.

“Should we then see a corresponding spike in Britain, I will waste no time in imposing quarantine on all travellers from abroad.

“And once the second wave has unmistakably begun, I pledge to act fast by making a speech defending the ancient right of free-born citizens of this country to go to the pub, and their wives to go to Next.

“Finally, and only once it is far too late, we will announce pubs, shops and of course schools are closing but inexplicably not until three days later. Like clockwork.”

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The most annoying bastards you'll meet on holiday

STILL going abroad on holiday? Good luck avoiding infection, good luck in quarantine and good luck avoiding other irritating tourists, like these: 

UK lager lads

Gangly twats whose holiday involves very little pulling but a lot of getting paralytically drunk. Great if you like being woken at 3am by hotel staff hammering on their door after they’ve done some pointless shit like throwing a kettle into the pool.

Incredibly hot Eurocouple

These f**kers look as if they’ve just stepped out of a perfume advert. He has the physique of Ronaldo and she dresses like a bikini model. They’ll waste no time in stripping off on the beach on the next set of sunbeds to you and your partner, making you feel like a pair of Jabba the Hutts.

Weird lone traveller

A man who travels widely on his own and is an expert on any region he’s visiting, which seems great the first time he comes over at breakfast to recommend local landmarks, but before long you’ll want to tell him to take Ggantija Megaliths and stick them up his arse.

The Small Businessers

British couple who happily befriend you before revealing they only talk about money, property, their thriving business and his classic car. Never rich enough to be genuinely interesting, eg a Russian billionaire who holds ‘bear karate’ tournaments.

Representative xenophobe

Britain is all about xenophobia these days, and this lady’s come along to keep that fresh in everyone’s minds. Constantly and loudly slags off the country she’s visiting to other Brits, ignoring that other nationalities speak English. Will say ‘They’re all thieving bastards, the Italians’, while you smile embarrassed at waiters who assume you agree.