NEED to protect yourself from this coronavirus year on every possible level? Try these items of non-medical PPE:
A beer helmet
Fashionable and practical, a hard hat with a can of Stella each side will protect you psychologically against a second wave while keeping your hands from touching your face. Compatible with a facemask and will protect your head when, after 12-16 cans, you keel over.
I’m With Stupid T-shirt
This classic T-shirt will keep anyone from standing within two metres of your left side for fear of being labelled stupid, cutting your infection risk by 50 per cent. Just make sure you don’t stand next to a mirror, or you will be the stupid you are with.
A telescopic arm
One of those mechanical extending hands, like Inspector Gadget, means you can keep a safe distance from shopkeepers while still squeezing veg, and a safe distance from friends while still offering human contact. Soon everyone will be using them.
Union Jack bunting
There was tons of this stuff knocking around back when we were doing congas for war veterans, and was there a spike in cases? No. Did they have coronavirus at the Golden Jubilee? I’ll leave you to put two and two together.
A degree from the university of life
The ultimate item of common sense protection. Years of menial graft and no fancy book-learning leaves you able to tackle whatever life throws at you, whether it’s a microscopic virus, losing your job or ground war with China. What’s all the fuss?