Beer helmets, and four other items of common sense PPE

NEED to protect yourself from this coronavirus year on every possible level? Try these items of non-medical PPE: 

A beer helmet

Fashionable and practical, a hard hat with a can of Stella each side will protect you psychologically against a second wave while keeping your hands from touching your face. Compatible with a facemask and will protect your head when, after 12-16 cans, you keel over.

I’m With Stupid T-shirt

This classic T-shirt will keep anyone from standing within two metres of your left side for fear of being labelled stupid, cutting your infection risk by 50 per cent. Just make sure you don’t stand next to a mirror, or you will be the stupid you are with.

A telescopic arm

One of those mechanical extending hands, like Inspector Gadget, means you can keep a safe distance from shopkeepers while still squeezing veg, and a safe distance from friends while still offering human contact. Soon everyone will be using them.

Union Jack bunting

There was tons of this stuff knocking around back when we were doing congas for war veterans, and was there a spike in cases? No. Did they have coronavirus at the Golden Jubilee? I’ll leave you to put two and two together.

A degree from the university of life

The ultimate item of common sense protection. Years of menial graft and no fancy book-learning leaves you able to tackle whatever life throws at you, whether it’s a microscopic virus, losing your job or ground war with China. What’s all the fuss?

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Landlord disgusted to discover you've been eating, sleeping and shitting in his investment

A LANDLORD has been horrified to learn that his tenants have made themselves at home in his investment property to the point of shitting in it.

Norman Steele let himself into the two-bed flat yesterday, and was shocked and appalled by how lived-in it looked.

He said: “State of the place. This is my bloody pension.

“There was washing-up in the sink, food in the cupboards, sheets on the beds. When you move furniture there’s a mark on the carpet where it was. It shows a complete lack of respect.

“You should’ve seen this place when I bought it. Pristine. And they don’t have an ounce of shame. Say they’re paying me ‘a grand a month’. Yes, to look after it.

“I heard the toilet flush, even. I only had that installed because it will increase my retirement lump sum in the long-term. But not if they keep shitting in it.”

Tenant Lucy Parry said: “I told him it was just a wee, but he’s adamant it constitutes breach of contract. He said ‘Would you piss on a man’s stock portfolio?’”