The Labour-Falkirk controversy explained

  • The Labour Party is a poisonous collection of chippy, tribal cretins, none of whom are capable of running a bath.
  • This is especially true in Scotland.
  • Falkirk is in Scotland.
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A load of tossers who watch tennis once a year are on my back

Dear Holly,

I’m under a bit of pressure to do well at the moment. It feels like everyone is on my back: my bird, my mum, and a load of English tossers who watch tennis once a year. I’m scared of letting them all down, can you help?



Dear Andy,

Just be grateful you’re in with a chance of winning. At my school we have a new sports-day policy which is to treat everyone as a winner. It’s a pants idea because although we all get a medal, it doesn’t matter if you set a new school record in the 1800 metres or if you’re the fattest person in school and burst open a potato sack due to your enormous Monster Munch-gut – ‘it’s the taking part that counts’.

Apparently it’s all down to a girl called Aisha Patel who, a few years back, was so worried her parents would disown her if she didn’t come first at high jump, she sharted during a particularly powerful Fosberry flop and the school field had to be evacuated.

Hope that helps,