Tories broke election spending laws to promote candidates who are just shit

THE Conservative Party broke campaign spending laws to promote candidates who are not worth a half-arsed, photo-copied leaflet.

Official investigations found the party spent £250,000 more than it was supposed to, all for the sake of electing some two-dimensional nobodies who can go on television and regurgitate some dreary soundbites.

A spokesman for the Electoral Commission said: “We’re thinking of actually scrapping the spending rules if the parties promise to stop putting up candidates who make you want to abolish democracy.

“They’re all at it. If they’re not actually in breach then they’re morally in breach Think how much money it cost to get Andy Burnham elected. That could have been used to pay a nurse. Or just pissed up a wall.”

A Conservative Party spokesman said: “Our conscience is clear. As a party we have never formally accepted that cheating exists.”