Tories broke election spending laws to promote candidates who are just shit

THE Conservative Party broke campaign spending laws to promote candidates who are not worth a half-arsed, photo-copied leaflet.

Official investigations found the party spent £250,000 more than it was supposed to, all for the sake of electing some two-dimensional nobodies who can go on television and regurgitate some dreary soundbites.

A spokesman for the Electoral Commission said: “We’re thinking of actually scrapping the spending rules if the parties promise to stop putting up candidates who make you want to abolish democracy.

“They’re all at it. If they’re not actually in breach then they’re morally in breach Think how much money it cost to get Andy Burnham elected. That could have been used to pay a nurse. Or just pissed up a wall.”

A Conservative Party spokesman said: “Our conscience is clear. As a party we have never formally accepted that cheating exists.”

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Woman postpones software update for 500th day in a row

A WOMAN has clicked ’not now’ on her automatic software update for the 500th consecutive day.

Jane Thomson reacted to the notification in the top-right corner of her screen by saying ‘whatever’, much as she has done every day for almost 18 months.

Thomson said: “Apparently there are important software updates that need to be installed, but there are also important episodes of The Good Wife that need to be illegally downloaded, so why don’t we try doing the updates tomorrow?

“Except tomorrow, I expect I’ll be playing Minecraft, or putting pictures of my breakfast on Pinterest. So we’re probably looking at the weekend, unless something else comes up.”

Thomson said that most of the software updates seemed to refer to applications she did not know she had.

She said: “Apparently GarageBand will run more smoothly if I install this update. That will certainly come in handy when I decide to record an electronica album.”

Thomson added that if the software was so important it should have been on her computer in the first place.