Tories' London mayor candidate is statue of man on horse

THE Conservatives have chosen a statue of the Duke of Wellington riding a horse as their candidate for Mayor of London.

The statue, which stands outside the Bank of England, was chosen because of its aristocratic bearing, equestrian ability, and total disinterest in ordinary Londoners.

A Conservative spokesman said: “We auditioned lots of millionaires but they didn’t quite have that aura of purebred contempt.

“Finally I was outside the Bank, desperately trying to find someone so posh they wore a top hat to work, when I saw the statue.

“Look at him. London is the last thing on his mind. He has other battles to fight. Just like Boris.

“But unlike Boris, he’s made of solid bronze rather than being completely full of shit.”

The statue is currently neck and neck with Labour’s Sadiq Khan in the polls, but should pull ahead once the Evening Standard attacks Khan for never defeating Napoleon.

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98 per cent of computers emitting puns

MOST of the computers, tablets and phones in Britain are emitting puns, all of which are hellish, it has emerged.

Manufacturers have admitted fitting ‘keyboards’ to their products which, according to experts, ‘help total bastards do horrible things with language’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “When the first personal computer was released I said ‘mark my words, this fucker will be used to make puns’.

“When the internet was invented I climbed to the top of a mountain and screamed, ‘fucking puns, everywhere, forever!’.

“And then I sobbed for 20 hours.”

Professor Brubaker has demanded that the PCs, tablets and phones be recalled and fitted with some kind of anti-pun filter, or better still, completely and utterly destroyed.

He added: “Oh no, but then you wouldn’t be able to use Facebook. What a terrible shame.”