Tories to build thousands of affordable second homes

THE government is to build 200,000 second houses to help homeowners onto the buy-to-let ladder.

Minsters have vowed to end the housing crisis which has deprived millions of a respectable second income.

A spokesman said: “Why should students be waking up in their childhood bedrooms when, with a little help from the government, they could be living in a new house bought by their parents and serving as the capricious, cold-eyed landlord to their friends?

“We need to shift from generation rent to generation rental portfolio.

“Britons will no longer be deprived of a bolthole in the country, and thousands will once again be able to earn £500 every weekend by putting their London flat through Airbnb.”

Emma Bradford, 29, said: “We’ve just gotten married and would like to start exploiting other people like us.

“Our dream is to be able to say ‘you can’t have your deposit back because there’s biscuit crumbs behind the sofa’ with a you’ve-hurt-our-feelings facial expression.”

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Hurry up and die, Britain tells Tesco

BRITAIN has asked Tesco if it could stop dragging it out and just die.

The former superstore, not yet a blasted ruin even though everyone knows it soon will be, has exhausted the patience of British shoppers. 

Helen Archer of Congleton said: “Profit warning, profits halved, chief executive resigns, I mean they’re milking this one like the death of Madge Bishop. 

“I’m doing what I can by never shopping there and I’m willing to start shoplifting if it’ll help.

“We get it, Tesco was a victim of its own hubris, but you didn’t see the Titanic taking three years to sink.”

Tesco employee Stephen Malley said: “We are all of us nothing but ticks on the hide of a corpse.

“As I was saying to Sheena on the cheese counter this morning.”