Transport Minister Crucified

THE secretary of state for transport has been crucified at the side of the M6 by an angry mob driven insane by the deliberate closure of the road and rail network over the Easter weekend.

Lord Adonis was set upon by motorists when he left his car to stretch his legs, after becoming stuck in a 320-mile tailback between Glasgow and Rugby.

The mob staged a brief trial before scourging the minister with brambles and nailing him to a makeshift cross.

Mob participant Wayne Hayes, from Chesterfield, said: "He tried to make a run for it, but tripped over a cone.

"One guy kept giving him really nasty paper cuts with his pointless train ticket while another hung a sign around his neck saying 'Sorry for any delay'."

Mr Hayes added: "He looked pretty miserable, bit it did raise our spirits and the kids had a good time."

Meanwhile the Health and Safety Executive has issued new crucifixion guidelines for anyone planning an accurate recreation of the death of Christ over the holiday weekend.

  • All 'Christs' should wear Goretex shorts rather than a loin cloth, for enhanced breathability.

  • In the event of warm weather, Christs should apply factor 30 sunblock to their shoulders and neck and be supplied with a wide-brimmed hat.

  • Crucifiers should use stainless steel hammer fixings with hardened drive-screws, rather than zinc-coated masonry nails.

  • Crosses should be constructed using machined hardwood at least 250mm thick and all joints should be strengthened with a heavy-duty angle bracket.

  • Crosses should be set in a hole 1.5 meters deep and secured using a high-quality ready-mixed concrete.

  • If you are using a nail gun, remember to wear goggles.

  • And don't forget to wash your hands.
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'Oh My God! What The Fuck Is That!' Says Brown

PRIME minister Gordon Brown yesterday unveiled the government's annual list of Utterly Terrifying Things.

Mr Brown said the 2008 list was the longest since the 1930s and a timely reminder of why everyone should just shut up and do as they are told.

New to the top 10 is Bulgarian Goose Syndrome, which will not only wipe out British farming, but give everyone a nasty cold sore that will last for weeks.

The Prime Minister told the House of Commons: "You'll look all diseased and dirty. No-one will want to kiss you."

Meanwhile Mr Brown warned that Britain's pencils were now sharper than ever and urged pencil users to deploy 'some kind of makeshift cap, perhaps taken from an old Biro'.

The government report, Aaaaaaaaargh! 2008, also set out  the latest intelligence on fridge movements, warning that these 60cm wide appliances had now infiltrated every community in Britain.

Recommending that everyone buy a crash helmet, a gong, and a pitchfork, Mr Brown said: "Whether it be fridges, pencils or the constant threat from fanatical Bulgarian geese and… oh my God! What the fuck is that? Run! Run for your lives!"

Top 10 threats:

  • Terror, mayhem, general unpleasantness
  • Bird aches and pains 
  • Plastic bags

  • White wine promotions
  • The Archbishop of Canterbury
  • Butter
  • Over-sharpened pencils
  • Edmonds
  • Bulgarian Goose Syndrome
  • Attack of the Fridges