UKIP merges with IKEA

NIGEL Farage and IKEA have formed a party called UKEA in a last-minute bid to create a majority government.

Farage said: “UKIP and IKEA share many values, including an unswerving commitment to irritating national stereotypes and a dedication to making anyone who comes within 200 metres of us question their sanity.

“By making a deal with IKEA, we have made a bold statement about our openness to foreigners, especially blue-eyed, blonde ones with loads of money.”

Legislation allowing parties to merge with large chains was introduced by Gordon Brown is 2010 when he sought to form a coalition with sandwich vendor Subway.

If elected, UKEA’s first act would be to turn the Houses of Parliament into a flagship showroom with the Commons’ signature green benches replaced by POÄNG armchairs in a birch veneer.

Farage added: “I did not know that IKEA’s founder was linked to fascists. But I have a feeling that we might be able to work around that.”

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Voters warn of weird school smell

SCHOOL halls being used as polling stations have an overpowering childhood stench, it has been claimed.

Voters reported feeling nauseous at the pungent aroma of tile polish, decades of boys’ body odour and over boiled vegetables.

31-year-old Norman Steele said, “I have told people I’ll be holding my nose and voting Labour and it’s literally true.

“Setting foot in my old school, the hospital-meets-hormones stink also has a hint of flatulent fourth-former Graham Smedley, dogshit-tainted trainers and grey shepherd’s pie served in big metal trays.

“I forced myself to vote because it’s a tight seat, but if there’s another election in five months’ time then forget it.”

Emma Bradford, from Swindon, said: “Pushing through those double doors is like opening a portal to nose hell.

“I couldn’t vote, the stink of fetid gym kit is too strong. Democracy is great but not if it smells of balls.”