Man realises too late that house party actually election party

A HORRIFIED man has realised the party he promised to attend tonight will be spent watching David Dimbleby and Andrew Neil.

Wayne Hayes, from Peterborough, agreed a month ago to attend the party hosted by his friend Emma Bradford, not realising that everyone except him would have opinions about Natalie Bennett.

Hayes said: “I figured there would be music and booze and maybe a cheeky spliff going around. Is Natalie Bennett the one who wants to kill all the Bulgarians?

“The swingometer did sound promising until I discovered that it involves Jeremy Vine. That’s unpleasant.”

He added: “I was looking forward to getting off with one of Emma’s workmates when we’re all pissed at 3am.

“It turns out 3am is when Paisley and Renfrewshire South is expected to declare, and we’ll know whether Labour has held back the SNP surge.

“I can’t believe I’m getting cockblocked by Douglas Alexander.”

Miliband nasty bad man

ED Miliband is a bad, nasty man so you no vote for him.

Clever men prove Miliband make bad prime minister and do horrid thing to lovely Britain.

Professor Cleverman, from Best University Ever, say: “If you no vote Tory then Labour make everyone cry with tax and muslims.

“If you no vote Tory, evil Russia man blow up your telly.

“If you no vote Tory, tiny Scottish people raid your fridge and eat your cheesy things.”

Brian, a person like you, say: “I hear clever man so me clever too. Miliband man do bad nasty. Me vote Tory.”

Professor Cleverman say: “Well done Brian. Have a cheesy thing.”