Stony-hearted Britons struggling to feel anything for supermarkets

SHOCKED Britons have found themselves at a point of ‘supermarket compassion fatigue’.

Following news that Sainsbury’s has reported its first annual loss in a decade, millions around the UK were amazed that they could not squeeze out even a single tear.

Joanna Kramer of Swindon said: “How did I become this hard, this cynical?

“When I found out about Tesco misstating its profits last year I was in absolute floods, and the ongoing saga of plucky Morrisons’ attempt to stand up to the big boys made me turn away from the business news pretending to have something in my eye.

“But this morning I saw the news about Sainsbury’s and even though it’s the cuddliest of all I felt nothing. Part of me even thought they deserved it.

“Maybe I am just putting up mental barriers to stop myself getting emotionally destroyed by fluctuations in the grocery market.”

A spokesman for Sainsbury’s said: “It’s heartbreaking for us because we care so deeply about our customers, often letting them off paying for their groceries when we know they’ve had a tough month.

“Well, that’s over. From now on you’re just cash cows to us.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
On Thursday you’ll go into a little booth and do what you do every five years. Have a shower.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As a concerned parent, next week you will host an emergency meeting about the teen vampire films that are making the occult look uninteresting to kids.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word from Tory central office on your offer to test Cameron’s “I’m like a fireman” comment by kicking him into a burning firework factory.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your disciplinary review on Monday goes so badly your line manager has to use a glove puppet to act out some of the worst things you’ve done recently.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Outdoor sex can be exciting but this weekend you’ll learn that being chased out of a car boot sale is even more exciting.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Deciding what to delete from your Sky+ box on Friday – episodes of Take Me Out or Fast & Furious 4 – you catch sight of your reflection in the TV screen and have a moment of horrifying self-awareness.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you discover that “just wanting to be around other bald man” is not what the monastery admission board wanted to hear.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Evening classes are a great way to meet new people although they’re generally the kind of people who take evening classes to meet new people.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to cut back on the takeaways when you go away for the weekend and the local pizza place files a missing persons report.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you will take to social media after being shocked by advertising that uses a sexy woman to sell a questionable product.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve always got your eye on the ball, meaning you often neglect the shaft.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)  
You’re so vain, you probably think this horoscope is about you. Or you were born between March 21st and April 19th.