Useless MPs fail to do in two days what government hasn't managed in three years

INEFFECTUAL MPs have been condemned for their failure to come up with a Brexit solution in two days by a government that has not done so in three years. 

Of the four possible solutions considered by the Commons yesterday one lost by three votes, one by 12 votes and a third by 21 votes, earning MPs mockery for being unable to pass a simple solution even on the second try.

Leader of the House Andrea Leadsom said: “Well, you had your chance. And you fluffed it.

“Hard to believe that between 650 of you, minus the Cabinet who we wouldn’t let vote in case it pushed one of the options over the line, you couldn’t come up with anything. Not so clever now, eh?

“Told you this was hard. Theresa’s worked very hard on her deal which you’ve kept throwing back in her face but give you a go and what do you come up with? Nothing.

“So, since we’ve proved once and for all that no other deal can work, it’s time to swallow your pride and back the only deal that everyone can agree on. Theresa’s deal.”

Julian Cook, member for Hazel Grove, said: “If it can’t be done in two whole days, it can’t be done. Simple as that.”

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Couple marrying abroad hoping no-one comes

A COUPLE marrying overseas are doing it so their wedding is too much of an expensive pain in the arse to actually go to, they have confirmed.

Martin Bishop and Francesca Johnson have chosen their Philippines wedding because it will be amazingly romantic, they will not have to worry about the weather and the guest list should be in single figures.

Johnson said: “It takes 36 hours to get here from Britain, by plane, train and boat. The boutique hotels cost two grand minimum. The vaccinations are extensive. There’s no way the bastards make it here.

“We’ve been guests at too many weddings to be able to cut this down to people we actually like, so we’re spending the same eye-watering amount but instead of the beneficiaries being other people, it’s us.

“A good three-quarters of possible guests are too old or too poor to even consider coming. The rest are cooing about how marvellous it sounds while desperately trying to find ways to wriggle out of it.

“It’s hard to tell your loved ones that you don’t want them at your special day because they’ll fuck it up. But, deep down, I think they know.”

But Bishop’s sister Emma said: “I’ve been dreaming of ruining Martin’s wedding since I was a little girl. I’ll be there if even if I have to remortgage my house.”