Voters To Choose Weirdos And Criminals

VOTERS are heading to the polls today in the biennial ritual of choosing exactly which oddballs and thieves will run their local council.

Pollsters are expecting a high turnout nationally of around 8%, meanwhile the tight mayoral race in London could push the figure as high as 10% in wards where people read the papers.

Tom Logan, a voter from Lincolnshire, said: "The Liberal Democrat chap is a Zoroastrian minister and has written five books about cheese. He's got a lot to say for himself.

"The Tory woman's interesting. She seems to think David Cameron is either a communist or a homosexual, I can't remember which. And she says the BNP guy may as well wear a badge saying, 'I love blacks'.

"But, to be honest, I think I'll plump for the Labour candiate. He looks absolutely desperate for a bribe and he hasn't even won yet.

"I reckon his eventual resignation, prosecution and imprisonment could be quite a laugh."

In London, Tory candidate Boris Johnson clocked-up his one millionth campaign pledge when he promised to stand over smokers with an umbrella, even though he found their habit to be 'disgustingly oikish'.

Meanwhile Labour's Ken Livingstone spent the afternoon in a Vauxhall pub, drinking quadruple whiskies and showing the annoyed regulars pictures of his favourite newts.

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Giant squid same as normal squid only bigger, say zoologists

A HUGE squid found off the coast of Antarctica is basically the same as a normal squid, only much, much bigger, a team of disappointed zoologists said last night.

Professor Wayne Hayes, of the Institute for Studies, said they first encountered the enormous specimen while watching the second round of the World Snooker Championships from Sheffield.

Professor Hayes added: “When they brought it in I was like, ‘Jesus Christ, that’s a right fucking stoater. Is it dead?’

“I says to Dave, ‘Dave, d’you wanna switch off the telly for five minutes and maybe give me a hand with the world’s biggest squid that’s just been dumped in my lap, as per usual’.

“I tell you what, I’m getting pretty bloody sick of this. Every time someone finds something huge and disgusting in the sea it somehow finds it’s way to my office with a post-it note on it.

“I’m like, ‘Excuse me, in case you hadn’t noticed, I am trying to watch the fucking snooker!'”

Dr David Hobbs said: “Anyway, I go and get my big squid book while Wayne gets stuck in with his Stanley knife and a pair of pliers.

“I was thinking, ‘I bet it’s got green blood or its face is inside out. Or it’s got eyes on the end of its tentacles. Or maybe it fell out of space ship! I have to admit, I was getting quite excited.

“But once we start delving around in there it’s obvious it’s just a really, really big squid. What a waste of time.”

Dr Hobbs added: “To be honest, I think we’ll probably just eat it. Have you been watching the snooker?”