Austria Launches 'Birthplace Of Hitler' Campaign

AUSTRIA'S chancellor has vowed to restore the country's international image with a £40 million 'Birthplace of Hitler' marketing campaign. 

Alfred Gusenbauer said the promotional blitz would stress there was far more to Austria than simply locking people in a cellar.

Herr Gusenbauer said: "All the really big Nazis were Austrian, you know.

"Hitler was one of ours. Very famous. The whole war thing, the genocide, that’s him. He was evil, yes, but you knew where you stood with Hitler. Nothing hidden. It’s all in Mein Kampf.

"Yes, he was fond of his niece, but he didn’t lock her up or anything. In fact he gave her a key to his apartment so she could come and go as she pleased. That's got to count for something."

He added: "We had thought about a Mozart campaign but nobody listens to classical music these days. It's all Duran Duran and 99 Red Balloons."

Carl Schurz, an advertising executive in Vienna, said the campaign should stress Hitler's love of the Alps.

He said: "The camera pans down to find Hitler running through an Alpine meadow, with his arms outstreched.

"He stops, spins around and then bursts into song. The sun is out, there's mountains, sky, wide open spaces, no cellars. It's nice."

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Supermarkets Must Be Stabbed Through The Heart Under A Full Moon, Says Regulator

BRITAIN'S leading supermarket chains can only be defeated if a bronze dagger is plunged into their chest by the light of a full moon, the Competition Commission said today.

The regulator called for a hero to come forth, armed only with a simple, wooden shield and an unshakeable desire to pay way over the odds for organic courgettes.

The Grand High Competition Commissioner told all the people of the land: "The horned beast has lain waste to our fields, our towns and those football pitches at the back of the bus station.

"It has devoured Mr Philips, the baker, Mr Stevens, the fishmonger, and Mr Johnson, the greengrocer, whose only crime was to think he could get away with charging £3.75 for a bag of seedless grapes, the greedy little shit."

He added: "What brave, young squire will save us from ample parking, cash machines, comparatively cheap petrol and aisle after aisle of low, low prices?

"One day soon, good people, our villages and towns will again be filled with little shops that are only open for three hours a day, never have anything you want and where you are forced to make small talk with people you don't like.

"Yes, it has been a bit chilly this week. Yes, the council are taking for ever to put in that new bus stop, and yes, this small jar of mayonnaise is indeed £4.50!"