We would win if PR referendum used PR, says vote reform campaign

SUPPORTERS of proportional representation insist they would win the upcoming referendum on vote reform if it used proportional representation.

As the latest poll showed the ‘yes’ vote trailing by 16 points, the Yes to AV campaign said the only reason they were going to lose is because the May 5th vote is being held under the ‘archaic and unfair’ first-past-the-post system where the winner is judged to be the candidate who wins.

A spokesman said: “If the PR referendum used PR we would automatically pick up the second choice votes of everyone who voted ‘no’.

“Meanwhile because the ‘no’ campaign would be in first place they would not get allocated any second choice votes and so we would win when we add in the second choice votes of all the people who didn’t vote for us.

“The ancient Greeks had a special word for it. They called it ‘democracy’.”

Meanwhile David Cameron has stepped up his opposition to PR by stressing it could lead to handsome, decisive men having to share power with bald, self-regarding old frauds and whimpering cry-babies.

He added: “I just have this feeling that it would be a disaster.”

The prime minister was joined by Dr Lord Reid, the former Labour MP for Glasgow Toilet, who said that while the first-past-the-post system guaranteed people like him a job for life it was okay because he was fantastic.

Julian Cook, professor of playing politics at Reading University, said: “Voters would probably have been willing to believe that the Yes to AV campaign was based on a firmly held principle if it hadn’t been led by politicians.

“I honestly can’t think of a more avoidable fuck-up.”



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Cowell replaced by ageing, embittered drag queen

ITV’s Shit Factor will return later this year with Simon Cowell being replaced by a contemptuous showbiz failure.

Rosa Houses, a semi-retired female impersonator currently running a bed and breakfast in Whitby, will provide the withering scorn to desperate, mentally-fragile fame junkies that has become the cornerstone of the show’s success.

Houses hopes to combine his/her television duties with a short pre-booked summer run in Camber Sands Pontins.

Shit Factor executive producer, Tom Logan, said: “Rosa has the burning, undiluted misanthropy and barely-concealed boredom that viewers have come to expect from their freak wranglers.

“After 35 years anchored to the bottom rung of the business watching everyone else’s rise to fame, there is enough pent-up hatred to get through thousands of tuneless, in-bred cannon fodder.

“I’ve already been called a ‘jumped-up suit full of fuck-all’ so we’re off to a cracking start.”

Houses will now spend the next six weeks assembling a series of put-downs and one-word reviews such as ‘you sound like a Spice Girl trapping her clit in a car door’ and ‘horsecocks’.

Meanwhile, Cowell is set to remain part of the show with a hologram of his disembodied head appearing periodically on stage to deliver pre-recorded advice to his potential slaves including, ‘you are, literally, a murderer’ and ‘I order you to drink this bleach’.

Houses said: “Working on Shit Factor is a dream come true, especially as I have recurring dreams where I’m trapped in a room full of banshees with cystitis while sat between a leprechaun with Alzheimer’s and a child’s drawing of Kylie Minogue.

“But I am looking forward to patiently listening to someone’s tragic life story after a note-perfect rendition of Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful before telling the fat, ugly bitch to have another bucket of donuts.”