VISITORS to churches have been banned from photographing choristers unless they pay a sum based on the boy’s prettiness.
The move, adopted by the majority of churches across England, is designed to help pay for roof tiles, flowers and legal fees.
Reverend Julian Cook, a vicar from Stevenage, said: “Anyone wishing to photograph a chorister will be asked for a small sum of folding money, depending on how lovely he is.
“For example 10-year-old Kyle Stephenson, who has teeth like a row of tiny pearls and hair so shiny it emits a divine glow when the late afternoon sun hits it from the right angle, is 50 or 60 quid a shot depending on whether you want the mouth open or closed.
“Whereas Nathan Muir, who has shapely nostrils but one ragged ear, can be pinned to your fridge for a tenner.
“I can also do you a quote for a group shot.”
He added: “These are nice, clean boys, freshly anointed and a percentage of the money will go towards their bursaries.
“We also do a delightful calendar for those on a budget, as well as a ‘living cherubs’ mousemat.”
Theologist Nikki Hollis said: “Clergymen are notoriously bad at singing, while Saint Paul apparently said that women should be silent in churches, hence the need to ship in lots of pre-pubescent boys and dress them like cake decorations.
“It is strange though that most hymns sound like they were written in five minutes – almost like they’re just an excuse to get their little mouths to form an ‘o’ shape.”