British submarines ‘can’t go underwater’

BRITAIN’s multi-billion pound Trident submarines do not work underwater, secret files have revealed.

The best floating submarines in the world

A Ministry of Defence blunder allowed pages of classified documents to be published online, revealing the Vanguard class killing machines just float along on the surface like a totally normal boat.

An internal MoD document from 2002 revealed: “Submarines working well. Been to India, Argentina and Australia looking for an enemy to make them even remotely justifiable.

“No luck as yet. Trying Japan next. You never know.

“The only slight problem we have discovered so far is that if they go underwater they explode.

“HMS Vigilant went ‘kaboom’ last week. Killed a humpback whale. Keep that one under your hat or we’ll be crawling with filthy Greenpeace hippies.”

A senior Royal Navy source said: “We pretend that we go underwater. We all lean forward for about 20 minutes until we reach our pretend depth.

“Then everyone has to whisper for three months and not look out the window. It’s annoying.”

The source added: “And the ‘ping’ thing doesn’t work either. The Royal Naval College at Dartmouth now has a three year course in how to make the noise.

“People think it’s easy, but it isn’t. “