British submarines 'can't go underwater'

BRITAIN’s multi-billion pound Trident submarines do not work underwater, secret files have revealed.

A Ministry of Defence blunder allowed pages of classified documents to be published online, revealing the Vanguard class killing machines just float along on the surface like a totally normal boat.

An internal MoD document from 2002 revealed: “Submarines working well. Been to India, Argentina and Australia looking for an enemy to make them even remotely justifiable.

“No luck as yet. Trying Japan next. You never know.

“The only slight problem we have discovered so far is that if they go underwater they explode.

“HMS Vigilant went ‘kaboom’ last week. Killed a humpback whale. Keep that one under your hat or we’ll be crawling with filthy Greenpeace hippies.”

A senior Royal Navy source said: “We pretend that we go underwater. We all lean forward for about 20 minutes until we reach our pretend depth.

“Then everyone has to whisper for three months and not look out the window. It’s annoying.”

The source added: “And the ‘ping’ thing doesn’t work either. The Royal Naval College at Dartmouth now has a three year course in how to make the noise.

“People think it’s easy, but it isn’t. “



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Days before M1 returns to suicide-inducing normality

IT could be at least three days before motorists can return to pondering suicide on the M1, officials have warned.

Transport minister Mike Penning stressed that extensive safety checks to a fire damaged bridge had to be completed before he could allow road users to sit in a 30 mile tailback, fantasising about their own death.

He said: “I know how important it is for people to sit bumper to bumper hoping a stricken jumbo jet will come screeching out of the blue and send them hurtling into the void of total oblivion where there aren’t thousands of fucking cones that seem to have just been left there by mistake and no lorry driving bastards trying to overtake each other like the bunch of evil fucking Nazi shits they unquestionably are.”

Tom Logan, a commuter from Hatfield, said: “It’s going to feel weird this morning not weeping uncontrollably or jabbing my thigh with a biro to distract myself from thoughts of getting out of the car and stripping naked before leaping onto people’s bonnets and pressing my genitals against their windscreens until I’m finally taken down by a police marksman.”

The motorway has been blissfully closed since Saturday after a blaze at a scrapyard directly underneath it, prompting experts to ask why in the name of Christ a gigantic fire hazard is conducting its hot, petrol-soaked business just inches the below the country’s main artery.

Civil engineer, Bill McKay, said: “Did no-one at any point say, ‘that thing that smells very strongly of oil is a tad close to the M1 isn’t it?’.

“At no point did an off-duty fireman who was just passing by think, ‘d’you know what, I’m wondering if something I’m trained to recognise as a significant fire hazard should really be bumping up against the busiest road in the country like that?’.

“And when it gets what I assume is some kind of periodic safety certificate from the local council did no-one think to ask what happens to a steel-reinforced concrete bridge when you go at it with a massive blow torch made of old Vauxhall Corsas?”

He added: “This is Third World stuff. What the fuck is wrong with us?”