Jacob's Creek unsurpassable, say Britons

EVERYTHING about Jacob’s Creek is perfect, a survey has confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found 97% of middle class Britons believe the reasonably-priced wine to be the all-time masterpiece of vinification.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When you present it to hosts, they will never fail to comment positively.

“Usually they will say ‘ooh, Jacob’s Creek.’ or ‘Jacob’s Creek, nice’, or perhaps just a simple ‘lovely’.

“It’s like somehow they’re ignoring that you only got it because it was the cheapest one in the shop that wasn’t embarrassingly cheap.

“Certainly it is the only product on sale in your local Spar that carries such social cachet. No one would make such a fuss if you turned up with a Double Decker.

“But it is also delicious. Just check out that bouquet – grapey and with a hint of wine.”

He added: “Fuck the French. They eat amphibians and are bad at war.”

Party guest, Stephen Malley, said: “I’m fairly convinced most people haven’t yet cottoned on to Jacob’s Creek because they’re not quite as zeitgeisty as my friends and I.

“I consider myself something of a connoisseur. You may, for example, be interested to know that Jacob’s Creek is made in a vineyard.”



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Super-injunction to ban promotion of films

A LEGAL move is being made to keep 95% of new films a secret.

The so-called ‘super injunction’ will stop actors giving newspaper and television interviews in a bid to generate free advertising for the insulting piece of shit they have been paid £10m to appear in.

The injunction is so strict it would prevent any mention of the name of the film or any information that could help someone guess.

Lawyer, Martin Bishop QC, said: “For instance, you would not be able to say it’s about a hot tub that turns into a time machine or it’s about some dreary woman who does a bit of eating, a bit of praying and a bit of loving.”

The injunction also places a blanket ban on talking about who is in the film, which director was a joy to work with and the extent to which spectacular computer generated images have been used as a replacement for story or talent.

Bishop added: “The public has a right to protect itself from having to listen to some puffed-up ponce talk about how emotionally traumatic it was playing a character from a video game.

“They have a right not to have to watch a 30-second trailer which is little more than a convoluted lie designed to make you believe that this time you won’t waste £15 and two hours of your short, precious life making these fucking scumbags even richer.”

Experts said that if the injunction is granted the vast majority of new films will be named Yet Another Fucking Remake directed by Money-Grabbing Hack Who Thinks He’s an Artist and starring Pathologically Self-Absorbed Twat Who Gets Paid 400 Times More Than a Nurse.