What sort of shit sandwich do you want? asks May

THERESA May has generously offered Britain a choice between a shit sandwich and a particularly nasty shit sandwich.

As MPs prepare to vote on her Brexit deal, the prime minister explained why everyone should tuck into the metaphorical turd-filled snack she has prepared.

May said: “My Brexit deal is by far the best excrement sandwich, like two slices of Waitrose crusty white bread with a relatively small shit between them, like one a fox has done.

“However a no-deal Brexit more resembles a great steaming Alsatian turd in a mouldy bap. Any sensible person would obviously prefer a mouth full of fox poo.

“Both sandwiches will damage the economy and cause years more pointless, expensive grief, but mine probably means the nation won’t have to get its stomach pumped.”

However Tory MP Donna Sheridan said: “We must respect the will of the people and choose the really horrible shit sandwich. I’ll be having mine with ketchup and curly fries.

“This is all a metaphor, right?”