What sort of shit sandwich do you want? asks May

THERESA May has generously offered Britain a choice between a shit sandwich and a particularly nasty shit sandwich.

As MPs prepare to vote on her Brexit deal, the prime minister explained why everyone should tuck into the metaphorical turd-filled snack she has prepared.

May said: “My Brexit deal is by far the best excrement sandwich, like two slices of Waitrose crusty white bread with a relatively small shit between them, like one a fox has done.

“However a no-deal Brexit more resembles a great steaming Alsatian turd in a mouldy bap. Any sensible person would obviously prefer a mouth full of fox poo.

“Both sandwiches will damage the economy and cause years more pointless, expensive grief, but mine probably means the nation won’t have to get its stomach pumped.”

However Tory MP Donna Sheridan said: “We must respect the will of the people and choose the really horrible shit sandwich. I’ll be having mine with ketchup and curly fries.

“This is all a metaphor, right?”

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Esther McVey's guide to not having the faintest idea what you're talking about

HI, I’m Esther McVey, the former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, and while you’re getting your head round that, I’m going to give you a quick rundown on how to talk about things confidently despite not having the faintest idea what you’re on about…

‘Facts’ don’t matter
Just claim things. The sky is green, pigs are chickens and arrangements have already been sorted for a ‘no-deal Brexit’ when they absolutely have not. After all, who’s going to pull you up on something like that?

Ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble
As long as you keep talking (and under no circumstances let them interrupt you with ‘facts’) then you might just pass for someone who knows what the hell they’re talking about.

Use ‘Compassionate’ and ‘Conservative’ in the same sentence
I say again, who is going to pull you up on such unrepentant bullshit?

But what if they do interrupt you with facts?

Simply ignore them and keep talking. No-one is going to think that  you are so far out of your depth you must have won your political career in a raffle.

Always be smiling
As long as you keep smiling you can never truly look like an idiot.