Private school pupils 'under huge pressure to have opinions about venison'

ONLY seven percent of state school pupils get into heated arguments about game meats compared to 75 percent of their private school counterparts.

Private schools insisted there was an increasing ‘venison divide’ between youngsters who eat domesticated farm animals and so-called ‘privileged teenagers’.

A spokesman for the Society of Private Schools said: “Our research shows that state school children do not have to worry about venison, grouse, pheasant or even quail.

“They do not have the burden of having to have an opinion about gamekeepers, shotgun manufacturers and the quality of the picnics served during a day’s shoot on a large estate.”

Private school pupil Julian Cooke said: “I’m under a lot of pressure to be incredibly well-informed about game. There are more than seven different game meats and dozens of estates. Meanwhile, there’s a boy in my house who has eaten a wild emu.

“State school children are so lucky to live such simple, everyday lives. I wish I could do that while still being worth £275 million.”

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How to have the best of both worlds, by Boris Johnson

PEOPLE say ‘you can’t have it all’. But as a talentless, failed foreign secretary openly living with his 30-year-old mistress and who remains favourite to be prime minister, I respectfully disagree.

Let’s remember, I wasn’t any good as mayor. And also that Brexit is my fault. But back to the mayor thing for a moment; all I did in eight years was to have my name linked with various disastrous river crossings.

My most significant achievement, the ‘Boris bike’, wasn’t even mine. Livingstone did it. And it’s not like they’re that brilliant. Bet you’ve not been on one. But here I am.

And, leaving Brexit aside for just a little longer, the mistress I’m with now is hardly my first. I’ve got a love child in every London borough, even ones like Havering and Waltham Forest.

Foreign secretary? Among the worst in history. Newspaper columnist? Self-serving arse shavings for stupid amounts of money. Those Have I Got News For You appearances? Don’t bear rewatching.

Finally, of course, the entire Brexit clusterfuck is my responsibility. I gulled half the country into voting for utter ruin because I calculated it would help my career. Whoops!

Yet here I am, poised to run the country, my long record of lies, fuck-ups and moral hypocrisy no obstacle at all.

We really can have it all.