You have made this man happy

YOU are responsible for the overwhelming happiness of this man, Britain has been told. 

The 52 per cent of the country that voted for the UK to leave the EU has been asked to look at the pictures of this man and to think about what they have done.

A government source said: “No, don’t close your eyes. Focus. Focus on his face-splitting grin and tell me you’re proud of yourself.

“Look how utterly delighted he is. He’ll probably go out and treat himself to a new blazer for tonight’s party with all of his friends, where the women are in a separate room.

“And afterwards, buoyed up on good brown ale and a few whiskies, still turgid, he’ll probably attempt intercourse. Picture that. Hold that picture in your mind and know that you made it happen.

“You had your reasons, I’m sure. You were concerned about etcetera. You strongly believe that something. Whatever.

“But this is what you have wrought. Look how absolutely fucking overjoyed he is. That’s on you.”

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Ask Holly: Farage or Beckham?

Dear Holly,

Please help me, I don’t know what to do. It’s the referendum today and I can’t decide whether to vote for Nigel Farage or David Beckham. I was leaning towards Remain because otherwise all my hipster Facebook friends might unfriend me and turn pictures of my family into Nazi memes, but then Liz Hurley went and got naked behind a Brexit cushion on Twitter and now I’m all of a fluster. Whatever happens I’m going to complain about it, so should I just sod it all and go to the pub? That is the British way, after all.

Joe Public


Dear Joe,

Life would be a lot simpler if we just made the Queen work for all that money and make all our decisions for us. I don’t know why anyone hasn’t thought of that before, she always looks so bored; I’m sure she’d love to boss everyone about. Then again, it probably isn’t a good idea to let a 90 year old granny to be in charge: we’d all be forced to eat pink wafer biscuits and wear twinsets and watch Dad’s Army with the volume up so high no-one can hear themselves think.

Hope that helps,