'You still here?' EU asks Britain

THE EU has been puzzled to find the UK still yapping around its heels months after it had supposedly left for good.

The trading bloc was relieved when its most troublesome member left to take control of its own affairs, but has since found Britain wants to stick around to have arguments about vaccines and paperwork. 

EU politician Michel Barnier said: “We thought we were done with the UK. We thought, okay, strange decision, but it’s up to you. Good luck selling cheese to Singapore.

“But now Britain wants to hang around the EU endlessly, like those kids who leave school at 16 and then turn up outside the gates every afternoon on a shitty little scooter.

“You’ve left now. We explained this to your negotiators, very carefully and slowly in the only language you understand. We even used drawings and, during one session with David Davis, sock puppets.

“A common analogy is someone who’s cancelled their gym membership and still wants to use the facilities. But you’re like someone who wants to take a running machine home and shit in the jacuzzi.

“It’s all been a massive, pointless hassle. But no other countries are thinking of leaving now. And, most importantly, we don’t have to watch those prancing UKIP twats in the European Parliament. 

“So overall, thanks.”

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Your tour around the Festival of Brexit

ALRIGHT chief? Welcome to the Festival of Brexit. I’m Steve Malley, former UKIP candidate for Leatherhead, and if you’re a Remainer you can frankly f**k off now. 

All gone? Good. Why should they enjoy the fruits of our success? Right, over here coming in we’ve got a giant portrait of the Royal Family surrounded by 100 animatronic bulldogs. You can bow or salute, it’s up to you. 

Over there, that’s the longest queue in the whole of Europe. What do you mean what’s it for? It’s for queuing mate. Are you British or what? 

This here’s The Foaming Yeoman, our pub. Covers 25 acres and there’s a holographic Nigel Farage every 12ft of bar. Smoking inside’s compulsory. The banter in there, I promise you, is brutal. But fair. I probably wouldn’t go in if you’re a foreign tourist, though. 

The next area’s very popular with the kids, Battle Re-enactment. Different one every fortnight: Agincourt, the Somme, Waterloo, the Retaking of Port Stanley, and of course the Online Woke Wars of 2020-22. I’m a veteran. Still got the psychological scars. 

And last there’s the famous Brexitcoaster, which looks as if it’s plunging down endlessly into darkness but actually there’s a voiceover from Boris explaining it’s going up and up to the stars. It’s amazing. Don’t understand how it works, but it does. 

Exit is through the gift shop, purchase of at least one freestanding flagpole and Union Jack is compulsory, and don’t forget to tip your guide. Pre-decimal cash only, please.