Your Daily Mash Guide To Election Night 2007

It's set to be the most historic night in Scottish politics since blah blah blah…. Union in jeopardy…. blah blah…. end of Labour domination….. blah blah…. is Gordon Brewer feeling alright?

10pm: The polls close.

10.03: The Poles close.

10.14: Brian Taylor is winched into an upright position.

10.16:
Bernard Ponsonby steps into his harness.

10.17: It is so on.

10.47: The first result is due from Hamilton South. Labour's Tom McCabe is defending a 6000 majority and is wondering why no-one wants to stand next to him.

11.24: The Edinburgh North and Leith result. Labour's Malcolm Chisholm gets ready to attach his celebratory moustache.

12.05: An MI5 'wet team' is closing in on Alex Salmond.

1am:
Under the desk, and with the skill of a master craftsman, Gordon Brewer carefully removes his trousers.

2.04: In the Western Isles, Labour's Alasdair Morrison is sacrificed in scenes horribly reminiscent of the Wicker Man.

3.10: Huge cracks start to appear along the border and a foul smelling ooze consumes several nearby homes.

5.25: Jack McConnell steps briefly from his jacuzzi to freshen his drink.

6.12: Towns and villages torched by marauding soldiers.

7.45am: Council of nobles annoints Bruce Rioch as King of Scotland. Well done everyone.

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It's A Monster Munch Landslide, According To Daily Mash Survey

MONSTER Munch will be the next first minister of Scotland, according to the latest Daily Mash readers' poll.

The reconstituted wheat and potato snack, shaped like monster's claw or perhaps a foot, took almost 50% of the votes, sweeping aside a range of weak and puny challengers.

Frazzles, the stripey, bacon flavoured treat, limped home in second pace with 20% while Quavers, a flimsy cheese concoction, and Wotsits, a vulgar orange tube, took around 15% each.

"Monster Munch ran a flawless campaign," said Professor Nathan Muir of Glasgow Clyde University.

"They focused on the chunkiness and managed to divert voters from the fact that pickled onion flavour is, when you think about it, really quite nasty."

He added: "Frazzles will disappointed not to have made progress on 2003 while Quavers are now down to their core vote compared with the heady days of the late 1980s.

"The poor showing by Wotsits suggests a very bad night for the Lib Dems."