Priti Patel suits up in riot gear for arrest of Zaghari-Ratcliffe

PRITI Patel will be present as immigration officers arrest and deport Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, whose arrival in the UK she considers ‘deeply suspicious’.

The home secretary expressed surprise that Zaghari-Ratcliffe has been let into the country at all given her ‘foreign-sounding’ name and the six-year gap in her employment record, clearly suggesting she is a criminal or Iranian spy.

Patel said: “From everything I’ve heard about Zaghari-Ratcliffe over the last 24 hours, not least her large amount of jail time, she’s not the sort of person we want coming to the UK.

“If we want to secure our borders, we can’t let hardened criminals like this come jetting in. If she was genuine she’d be happy to settle in a safe country like France or Germany. But she’s probably heard about our generous benefits system.”

Patel said she hoped images of her leading a pre-dawn raid on Mrs Zaghari-Ratcliffe’s family home with battering rams would send out a message that Britain was no soft touch, even if you are British and live here. 

She added: “Boris seems to have gone a bit soft on her, not like before when he helped make sure she stayed in prison. Or maybe he just ballsed it up by not paying attention again. 

“I hope people remember I’ve got rid of a dangerous, slightly foreign-sounding criminal when they’re thinking about who should be the next prime minister.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Complain at a restaurant: Six things dads can't believe you're too pathetic to do

YOUR children are your greatest source of pride and shame. Modern society has left them weak, embarrassing and without these basic skills, writes father Martin Bishop.

Parallel parking

You show a millennial a spot large enough to parallel park your Volkswagen Passat in and they’ll look at you blankly or whinge about the environment. When I learned to drive, I was able to pilot my Fiesta into any space, no matter how small it was or how drunk I was. This generation shouldn’t be allowed on the roads.

Complaining at a restaurant

My children say feeble things like ‘for God’s sake stop embarrassing us’ or ‘now you’re just being obnoxious’ whenever I calmly but firmly point out to a waiter the massive failings of their establishment, such as a missing butter knife. When will my kids understand that if you’re paying for ‘service’ in a modestly-priced roadside carvery you’re entitled to perfection?

Shaking hands properly

On his 18th birthday last year I gave my youngest, Nigel, a congratulatory handshake and frankly the experience left me cold. Instead of being firm and manly, Nigel’s dismal effort felt as if someone had slid a limp eel into my hand. A couple of years in the army would sort him out. Or he could just grip a bit more firmly next time.

Changing a tyre

Servicing a motor vehicle is one of mankind’s most fundamental skills, like hunting. I’m always furious with my children when they call the AA with their car problems instead of coming to me first. Sure, last time I changed a tyre on my car it resulted in a near-fatal blow-out on the M1, but that’s beside the point.

Finger whistling

Unhygienically putting your fingers in your mouth and whistling so loudly it’ll deafen anyone within five metres is a great way to get someone’s attention. Unfortunately, young people can’t get to grips with it and look at me jealously whenever I do it in the park, on public transport, or in the local library.

Appreciating Phil Collins

This generation are all about instant gratification. This means that they can’t enjoy great art that requires effort on their part, and Phil Collins really makes his listeners work in that respect. It’s sad to think my children will never know the joy of No Jacket Required, or an all-day Genesis marathon.