Protestors celebrate defeat of crime bill by not being rounded up and shot

PEACEFUL protestors have celebrated the defeat of the government’s crime bill in the Lords by not being arrested, imprisoned without charge and shot at dawn. 

The bill has now lost 14 of the provisions Priti Patel added after staying up all night watching Schwarzenegger films about dystopian futures, meaning that its failure can be celebrated without immediate detention.

Martin Bishop, who attended an anti-Brexit protest in 2018, said: “The van full of riot squad police that had been parked outside my house all day left at 1am, dejected and disappointed.

“I feel for them, but I did think that the charge of ‘historical noise disturbance’, criminalising anything louder than moderate rainfall stretching back to 1600AD, was a bit illiberal.”

Green protestor Grace Wood-Morris said: “I’m glad the Lords saw sense. I’m not actually a green protestor, I just stepped off a grass verge into a road, a taxi had to brake, and its pissed-off driver sent my photo to the Home Office.

“It’s great to know that I can safely enter shops without being arrested for anti-capitalist sedition and imprisoned indefinitely on a Scottish rock regularly strafed by the RAF. For me that was going too far.”

Priti Patel said: “The House of Lords is a terrorist institution holding democracy to ransom and its members must be transported to MI5 black sites for enhanced interrogation. But they’ve struck that off the bill as well.”

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All homeless people admit it was the TV licence that broke them

THE UK’s homeless population have confirmed that it was the annual £159 TV licence payment that forced them onto the streets. 

Following the intervention of Britain’s most compassionate woman, Nadine Dorries, to stop the squeeze on thousands of families, people living on the streets have confirmed it was the BBC – and only the BBC – that put them there.

Army veteran Norman Steele said: “I lost my job, and my family, and drifted into alcoholism. My only friends were the bottle, oblivion, Bargain Hunt, Pointless, and anything with Rick Stein.

“I borrowed money for the electricity bill. But then the licence demand came in and I had no choice but to pay that instead of the rent because it was the final series of Line of Duty.

“Now I live in a tent under a railway arch and I know who put me there. Gary f**king Lineker.”

Every other homeless person had a similar story. Whether addicted to The Archers, Newsnight, Strictly Come Dancing or Hey Duggee, they blame the corporation for their downfall.

Mary Fisher said: “If I’d only been able to let go of Winterwatch I’d still have a house. The BBC took everything from me. Not Tory benefit cuts. The BBC.”