Sue Gray's guide to fifteen minutes of political fame

IT’S January 2022, and the name on the lips of every Conservative minister desperately stalling for time is Sue Gray. But what’s it like to be her? She explains: 

There’s no easy way to be suddenly a star for writing a report instrumental to the future of the British government that will ultimately change nothing. But there is a path you can follow.

Step one – be some random that no-one’s heard of

You can only truly scale the heights of sudden political fame when you start at the very bottom. I’ve been in senior Cabinet Office positions for years, but now the entire nation is asking ‘Who the f**k is Sue Gray?’ Next year I’ll be as forgotten as Hans Blix was in 2006.

Step two – add an air of mystery

We’re in the age of the anti-hero so make people ask: is she good? Is she bad? Was she at half of the parties, wheeling suitcases full of Malbec and smashing up Wilf’s swing herself? Is she genuinely impartial? Will she get into the Lords if she whitewashes this? Who knows?

Step three – do it in January

The weather’s shit, the post-Christmas slump is hitting and the papers are crying out for their next It Girl. This step’s also called ‘it’s easier to be briefly famous when it’s cold and the telly’s shite’.

Step four – stretch it out

Why put a time limit on my time to shine? With a new illegal party dropping every day, I can keep this up for weeks with the report always being due soon. Like Elvis said, always leave them wanting more, especially when it comes to impartial internal reviews.

Step five – get Jackie Weaver’s agent

This one I’m still working on, but I’m rinsing my moment for everything it’s worth like Jackie. She’s done way better than the spider-brooch judge. I won’t rest until I’ve got viral memes, novelty TV appearances, and a £100,00 deal for my tell-all autobiography, Fifty Shades of Sue Gray.

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One Starmer beer equals twelve Downing Street parties: the Daily Mail guide to maths

MATHEMATICS is yet another great British instutition captured by hard-left teachers who insist on things ‘adding up’. Here’s how patriots do it: 

One Starmer beer = 12 parties in Downing Street

Innumerate idiots in the left-wing press somehow think that a mere 12 parties total bad news for the government. No. First, the number of parties is N+1, where N is the current number and one more is added each day. Second, the leader of the opposition drinking a single beer generates the anger of (N+1) cubed.

Four Labour colleagues + Starmer x bottle of beer = lockdown rave

Keir Starmer represents a deforming number less than zero, so when the multiplying effects of a bottle of Peroni are added, this was a 600-person illegal lockdown rave that directly killed 40,000 people. Resignation logically follows.

Party + (Boris + Carrie + Wilfred) = work event

It is not mathematically sustainable for a party to exist in the presence of variables like the prime minister, his lovely wife and their charming baby. The waveform of ‘party’ collapses to become a ‘work event’, which retrospectively changes Covid rules to allow itself.

Infinite number of parties ÷ Sue Gray report = 6 sacked aides – (licence fee x Navy gunboats in channel) 

The function of a Sue Gray report is to remove all primes from the equation, meaning that a few sacked aides, a show of military force and the government’s little BBC present to Rupert reduce infinity to zero consequences.

Brexit = permanent happiness forever

This is absolutely basic stuff that children should be learning before they can even count. It’s foundational to the kind of maths we will be building our country on. That 2 + 2 = 4 stuff is outdated. The logic of our position demands it is whatever the Party says it is.