IT’S January 2022, and the name on the lips of every Conservative minister desperately stalling for time is Sue Gray. But what’s it like to be her? She explains:
There’s no easy way to be suddenly a star for writing a report instrumental to the future of the British government that will ultimately change nothing. But there is a path you can follow.
Step one – be some random that no-one’s heard of
You can only truly scale the heights of sudden political fame when you start at the very bottom. I’ve been in senior Cabinet Office positions for years, but now the entire nation is asking ‘Who the f**k is Sue Gray?’ Next year I’ll be as forgotten as Hans Blix was in 2006.
Step two – add an air of mystery
We’re in the age of the anti-hero so make people ask: is she good? Is she bad? Was she at half of the parties, wheeling suitcases full of Malbec and smashing up Wilf’s swing herself? Is she genuinely impartial? Will she get into the Lords if she whitewashes this? Who knows?
Step three – do it in January
The weather’s shit, the post-Christmas slump is hitting and the papers are crying out for their next It Girl. This step’s also called ‘it’s easier to be briefly famous when it’s cold and the telly’s shite’.
Step four – stretch it out
Why put a time limit on my time to shine? With a new illegal party dropping every day, I can keep this up for weeks with the report always being due soon. Like Elvis said, always leave them wanting more, especially when it comes to impartial internal reviews.
Step five – get Jackie Weaver’s agent
This one I’m still working on, but I’m rinsing my moment for everything it’s worth like Jackie. She’s done way better than the spider-brooch judge. I won’t rest until I’ve got viral memes, novelty TV appearances, and a £100,00 deal for my tell-all autobiography, Fifty Shades of Sue Gray.