What women want in bed, according to a man who's never bothered to ask

STRUGGLING to please a lady in bed? Never fear, for I, Stephen Malley, expert on women and sex from years of online study, can deliver you to sexual greatness: 

Skip the foreplay

You’re here to have sex, right? Then, like you, she wants to get down to it. Move straight from kissing to penetration. Everything else is just needless procrastination which two ready-to-go adults like yourselves can do away with in favour of the main event. Why hang around?

Go fast

When it comes to lovemaking, time is of the essence. Don’t waste either of your evenings with slow, languid movements. That time could be better spent listening to your original jazz compositions or watching cool YouTube videos you’re sure she’ll love. Her orgasm?  Her affair.

Stay absolutely silent

Women go in for all that moaning and groaning, but not us guys. I used to try and keep up light, pleasant conversation with my girlfriends until one of my many, many sexual partners told me in no uncertain terms to ‘shut the f**k up’. This tells me all girls like a partner who keeps stoically silent while performing their duties.

Get ideas from porn

Women love variety, and the best way to get ideas for new positions and roleplay is straight from the source itself – internet pornography. Want to really excite her? Spring a surprising new position on her out of the blue. If she doesn’t have the upper-body strength for it, that’s her problem.

Provide immediate feedback

You’ve already hit the jackpot having me as your sex coach. The only way to spread the word and make sure everyone has fantastic sex from now on is to make sure your lady friends are aware of what they’re doing wrong. My advice? Do it while you’re still naked but before she gets up, gets dressed and leaves.

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'Can the Queen sack the prime minister', Googles Queen

HER Majesty the Queen has consulted an internet search engine over whether she can fire Boris Johnson, it has emerged.

The Partygate scandal has seen the monarch conducting online research into her constitutional role, duties and powers late into the night.

She said: “I know the title isn’t as influential as it once was. Apparently I can’t declare war or France or order beheadings anymore, and owning all the swans isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“But there must be more to this job than being hugely wealthy and calling multiple castles home. Surely I can dismiss a scruffy fat schoolboy when he’s making such a hash of running the country? In an emergency?

“After all, I have to give this parade of inhuman morons permission to form a government, so it only seems right that I can withdraw it. And I would very much like to withdraw it.

“What’s he going to do if I just outright announce it? Tell me I’m wrong? Why would that be my problem?”

After reaching the bottom of the second page of search results, she added: “I should stop procrastinating and get back to researching whether you can remove your middle son from the line of succession.”