Astrologer starting to worry it's all bullshit

AN astrologer of 30 years’ standing has begun to wonder if the horoscopes she provides are actually accurate in any way. 

Emma Bradford, who has been using the zodiac to enlighten people about their own lives in the Carlisle News & Star since 1992, has privately admitted she is having a few doubts.

She said: “You can’t always be right, of course, and that’s on the astrologer not the stars. But my predictions have been so consistently wide of the mark for so long that I wonder if it’s all bollocks.

“Perhaps whether Venus was in retrograde or not when you were born doesn’t allow me to predict every single thing about the course of their lives, day by day, for people in hugely different circumstances.

“A few weeks ago I predicted that all Aries would have a challenging day and they need to learn from it, and then my Aries bitch of a sister wins £100,000 on scratchcards. Did I see that coming? Did I f**k.

“Am I seeing a whiff of that cash? Absolutely not. Even though I’d predicted that, as a Gemini, I was supposed to have a period of prosperity.

“But if celestial bodies really have no influence on people’s personalities, lives and futures how would my readers cope? I’ll lie to them for their sake.”

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The BBC, and seven other things much more popular than Boris Johnson he can kill to win the nation round

BORIS Johnson is to kill the BBC for being more popular with Britain than he is. What else could he destroy to win us round? 


It’s got three intials, it’s uniquely British and it’s rightly cherished, so naturally the Tories hate it. What could be better than a US-style insurance system getting us all addicted to prescription opiates and forcing us to sell our houses when we get cancer?

The monarchy

Frankly it keeps causing trouble and the next two people lined up for the throne seem dangerously compassionate. Either they’re replaced by Conservative appointees or the whole thing goes.

The Beatles

Why are people watching an eight-hour documentary about the Beatles when they could be reading the novels of Nadine Dorries? Because they’re wrong. All Beatles albums, solo albums by Beatles and Oasis’s back catalogue are now banned. Isn’t that great?

The pub

Hotbeds of sedition. Why, this very weekend they were full of working-class drinkers taking the piss of Boris for his multiple parties and shit excuses. Lock the doors and arrest everyone inside.


The fact that millions of Brits feast on potatoes every day – even though good British beef is available, and can be sliced and fried in much the same manner – is an affront to Conservative landowners. Chips are illegal. Boris is your only sustenance now.


A game that wasn’t invented at Eton has gone on long enough. Pack up the clubs and sell all the players. Send squads around to burn all Panini albums, copies of My Story by Steven Gerrard, or other memorabilia. It’s for your own good.

Winning the war

How deeply insensitive of Britain to harp on about beating Germany in World War Two when their own prime minister is blonde, blue-eyed and wants to rule the world. It’s hurtful. From now on the Conservative party is renamed the Nazi party and everyone supports it or faces the consequences.