Five f**king delightful emails to find in your inbox on Monday morning

IT’S Monday morning and your inbox is full of treasures. Here are five emails to make you grateful you opened Outlook: 


There’s nothing more energising than an email that came in two minutes after you pissed off on Friday, signalling that you’re going to get a bollocking from your manager for not anticipating that you needed to stay late… for something some shitbrain had forgotten.

Annual leave request – denied

Everything’s automated nowadays, to the extent that HR now just sends out blanket emails telling you that no, you can’t go to your sister’s wedding in August because it might be ‘a busy time in the office’. Meaning more important people haven’t booked their holidays yet.

Re: re: Project that never ends

Sorry, could you take one last look at this spreadsheet? Have another run at this PowerPoint? Send a kiss-arse email to the client again? Shall we all go back to first principles on this one? This work nightmare won’t f**k off no matter how what. The best you can do it pass it to someone you hate before you leave.

Not what I asked for

Incidentally, that thing you were working on for five days straight? Yeah, it’s not what your project manager wanted at all and there are 531 comments on the document to that effect. He’s keen to stress that there might be something salvageable in it, though. Maybe a whole sentence.

Book your casual meeting with downsizing consultant

The rumours of restructuring have been flying and lo and behold, they’ve got some corporate genius in to sort the wheat from the chaff. Time to spend days preparing for an ostensibly friendly chat that will decide if you have a job or not in six weeks time.

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Man still blaming his dry spell on Covid

A MAN is blaming his lack of sex on the pandemic, even though physical restrictions ended several months ago.

Stephen Malley remains unfazed about not having engaged in sexual intercourse since a brief fumble in December 2019, because in his mind the pandemic still means that shagging is off limits.

Malley said: “Yeah, it’s been a while since I enjoyed my signature two-and-a-half minutes of mechanically pneumatic missionary sex, but rules are rules.

“If it wasn’t for bloody Covid my knob would probably be worn down to a nub through overuse. Instead I’ve got to wait until the whole planet’s vaccinated and we’re given the all clear, which could take another year. It’s quite frustrating.

“I dated some women when case numbers were down, but they always ended with her saying that we need to control our throbbing biological instincts in order to protect the NHS. Then I never hear from them again.”

Date Nikki Hollis said: “His deluded innocence is so charming it almost makes me want to ignore the rest of his terrible personality and shag him. Almost.”