Man turns on wife's vibrator then can't turn it off

A MAN has discovered his wife’s vibrator, turned it on to see what it does and is now frantically trying to turn it off.

Nathan Muir of St Helens found the brightly-coloured sex aid in his wife’s bedside table, absentmindedly activated it, admired its smooth rotating motion then found himself unable to make it stop.

He said: “What about this? No, that only makes it go faster. And faster. And faster, Christ, it’s going like a f**king Black & Decker.

“What does this button do? Bugger, the little one’s going off now. Now it’s going the other way. Now it’s twitching like Frankenstein’s monster under lightning. This is a nightmare.

“At any minute I could hear her coming up the stairs. What does this one do? F**k me, what is this thing doing? The head’s spinning like a snake charmer’s cobra. Why would you even want that?

“The noise it’s making. I can’t hide this in a sock drawer. Am I going to have to take the batteries out or throw it out the window or – that’s done it. Thank God, it’s stopped.”

Muir later reflected: “I’m never touching a mechanical member again. But I get it now. If that’s what she’s used to no wonder she’s gone off mine.”

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'So's your mum': the 1980s schoolkid's guide to wit

DID you once savage your classmates with your astounding repartee? Then you no doubt used these zingers back in the day:

Takes one to know one

Like a young Stephen Fry, your scintillating wit was the envy of everyone around you. It took an impressive amount of mental nimbleness to respond to someone calling you a dickhead by angrily mumbling ‘Takes one to know one’ instead of coming up with an actual insult.

So’s your mum

The nuclear option for any schoolchild of the 1980s. If you found yourself being insulted and backed into a corner, your adversary better brace themselves for a searingly original rebuke. Oscar Wilde would certainly have, when called a big bellend, instantly lashed back with ‘So’s your mum’.

Whoever smelt it dealt it

Every schoolchild had this phrase at the ready for whenever someone nearby noticed that they’d accidentally farted. If you managed to shoot out this rhyme quick enough you were off scot-free, until someone else said ‘Whoever said the rhyme did the crime’ and everyone pissed themselves laughing at you.

Pen 15 Club

You were the unsuspecting dolt who happily accepted an offer to join the Pen 15 club thinking you were finally being inducted into a secret society that you’d always suspected the cooler kids were part of. Your disappointment was crushing when they just scribbled ‘PENIS’ on your school bag with a permanent marker, called you a wanker and ran away.

I know you are, but what am I?

Who needs any other insult when you can have the other person do the work for you? You could just sit back and endlessly repeat this magic phrase while your rival worked themselves into a frenzy calling you a ‘twat sandwich’. This fiendishly recursive piece of logic made you invincible.

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