Queen to meet McGuinness at Rihanna video site

THE Queen is to shake hands with Sinn Fein’s Martin McGuinness at the place in Belfast where Rihanna’s We Found Love video was filmed.

The historic meeting had been shrouded in secrecy, although it was scheduled to occur at a site of artistic and cultural significance that would not yield any awkward associations.

In the classic video the Bajan icon is seen in the throes of a turbulent relationship with a bleach-blonde male model around the streets of Belfast. McGuinness and the Queen will meet at the chip shop where Rihanna danced on a table while pretending to be drunk.

The deputy first minister has agreed to be introduced to the monarch as the proprietor of the chippy rather than having to go over the whole IRA thing under the Queen’s disapproving stare.

First minister Peter Robinson explained: “We were totally stumped until one of the interns suggested theming it all around the Rihanna video.

“Depending on how the day unfolds, they may re-create other scenes from the promo, which could include McGuinness giving the Queen a backie on his BMX while she holds a flare and some impromptu buttock-tattooing.”

Strict reporting restrictions mean that journalists will not be present for the event, but Rihanna collaborator Calvin Harris will attend and later translate it in the form of a pounding dance track.

When asked if she was enjoying her visit, the Queen told journalists it was wonderful to spend time in Northern Ireland but she would have preferred to go to Portland Parish in Jamaica, where Rihanna shot the video for Man Down.



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As somebody with an eye for a bargain, you’re delighted to discover the security guard in your local Asda is off work sick and they haven’t had time to get in a temp.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The next time your family and friends criticise you for sitting at home all day on your arse, ask them what else they suggest you use for sitting with. That will show them.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The man in B&Q advised against painting your bedroom red as it’s a very aggressive colour, not realising you were planning to then cover the walls with pictures of celebrities with their eyes scratched out.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Let’s get it on. Ohhhhhhh baby, let’s get it on. Wait, I was talking about creosoting the shed, what did you think I meant?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You feel the director of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” missed a trick when at no point in the film is there a scene where the heroine’s husband is found wanking at the Mondeo of a middle-aged couple from Carlisle.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week your star sign is ruled by Jupitus and you find yourself making a number of appearances on QI.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I don’t think anything that comes in a freezer bag of 50 and costs under two quid can accurately be described as ‘gourmet’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You phone the RSPCA to tell them you could give little Rover a home. After all, those badgers aren’t going to bait themselves, are they?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As a creative person, you’re keen on hypothetically asking how people could do dead-end 9-5 jobs their whole lives, mainly because nobody has ever said “Well, if they didn’t there’d be nobody to pay the wages of gobshites like you.”

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I’m sure those chest pains are just wind. After all, doing no exercise and smoking 40 fags a day for thirty years is bound to have trapped a lot of wind in there.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oops! Psychic Bob is over capacity. Please wait a moment and try again. Or just try living your own life, for fuck’s sake.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Still no word from Hollywood on your proposed horror film Grover Cleveland, Chupacabra Wrangler.