Queen urged to f**k up his hair at the very least

THE Queen has been told that if she is to meet Donald Trump, the least she can do is mess up his hair.

With the president due to visit in July, the British public and even other royals feel the Queen should wait until he is kneeling then go in for a ruffle.

A palace source said: “Harry and Wills have been studying pictures and they reckon if she can get a hand under she can dislodge the whole hairplate.

“It’s rock-hard so he can’t comb it back into place like normal hair, and he’ll have to do the full set of official photos with his hair hanging off to one side like the lid of a wheelie bin.

“Then we’ll usher him straight outside and see what the wind can do. Hopefully it’ll flap about and hit him in the face a few times, or it might come loose entirely and fly off like a frisbee.”

Queen Elizabeth II said: “I’m up for it. It’ll be hilarious seeing the big orange twat with his syrup all messed up. That will be well wicked.”

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Office bastards set air conditioning to ‘freezing’ for next six months

THE annual bitter conflict over what temperature the air conditioning should be set at has begun in offices across Britain.

As the days grow warmer, battle lines are being drawn over whether it is better to sit in a noxious fug of other people’s BO or have to bring in a jumper and fingerless gloves.

Data inputter Tom Logan said: “The air-conditioning Nazis want me to freeze my bollocks off while looking out of the window at the lovely warm weather.

“If you change the temperature by even a degree they suddenly appear at your desk to ‘just mention it to you’ in a friendly but menacing way, like the Mafia giving you a warning before they ‘whack’ you.

“The actual winter was long enough without perpetuating it indoors. I’d honestly rather put up with the mingled smell of 25 sets of armpits.”

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “Any hint of warm weather means the air conditioning must immediately be set to very cold. Tom made his position clear when he suggested I could cool down by spinning round very fast in my chair.

“This disrespectful attitude will be dealt with, possibly by turning the air-con down so low his fingers freeze and snap off.”