What will be in Prince William’s best man speech?

NAZI fancy dress? Yes. Teenage dabbling in booze and drugs? Yes. Being ginger? Yes. Let’s face it, Prince William’s best man speech has pretty much written itself. Here are some extracts.

On Harry being ginger…

“Not only was Harry the second-born, and therefore shitter, prince, he was also ginger. This gave me an excellent excuse to rib him about who his real dad is, given that the only other gingers in the family are our mental aunt Fergie and granny’s corgies.”

On underage drinking…

“Even though we had access to the finest wines known to humanity, Harry liked to get the bus to Cirencester to smoke wacky baccy and drink Frosty Jack’s with the local plebs. I don’t think that’s what people mean when they say it’s good to have the ‘common touch’.”

On punching out a tabloid photographer…

“An unfortunate incident from Harry’s phase of going to tacky nightclubs with people from Made In Chelsea. If you hang out with pissed-up young toffs it’s bound to end in trouble – but that’s enough about me going for a drink with Harry last night!”

On dressing up as a Nazi and calling an army colleague a ‘raghead’…

“Many people construed these events as racist, but poor old Harry was just having some japes and was misunderstood, in much the way our grandfather Prince Philip has been for the last 96 years.”

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I am ready for any Brexit hardship, says man who's upset if his boiled egg isn’t just right

A MAN claims he is ready to make any sacrifice for Brexit despite being extremely picky about everything.

Brexiter Roy Hobbs is unconcerned about huge potential problems such as food shortages or a recession, which is odd for a man who has a strop if his boiled eggs are too runny or hard.

Accountant Hobbs said: “We survived the horrors of WW2 so we can cope with Brexit. I don’t think that’s a strange or worrying comparison to make.

“We’ll just have to tighten our belts and toughen up. Excuse me, my wife’s putting dinner out and I need to check she’s not putting gravy on my peas. I can’t stand that.”

Wife Jane said: “Roy says he’s prepared to suffer anything in the name of Brexit. This is someone who bitterly complains if I get ordinary ginger biscuits instead of the ones covered in dark chocolate.

“He said if there are food shortages he’ll ‘bloody well grow his own vegetables’. He tried that a few years ago and the net result was three sprouts and a diseased potato.

“Once he said he’d be prepared to fight against the EU army. I told him to stop being so bloody stupid and the great war hero went and sulked in the shed.”