Rishi Sunak introduces stupidity tax

THE government is to fill the £50 billion black hole in the public finances by taxing Britain’s stupidity. 

The Inferior Intellect charge will be levied on anyone who has displayed poor intelligence or made idiotic decisions repeatedly over the last 25 years or their lifetime, whichever is shorter.

Sunak announced: “We are in a mess. And who got us here? Clearly not clever people.

“No, the fiscal black hole we need to fill is the fault of the stupid. Britain’s remedial class has put us in this fix and it’s time they paid to get us out.

“From now on every financial transaction will be examined, by algorithm, and judged on its intelligence. If you’re a family buying sensible, budgeted food? No charge. If you’re an 18-year-old buying a motorbike to impress a girl? Stupidity tax of 77 per cent.

“It applies across the board whatever your income. Whether a middle-class family blowing cash on a summerhouse, a working-class teenager doing a sport science degree or a rich man opening a restaurant, you’ll be taxed for your dumbness and deserve it.”

He added: “Retrospective taxes will be levied on all moronic decisions made since 1997, from houses to boats to marriages. Apart from the Brexit vote. That, as always, is an exception.”

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Six cretinous ways to house migrants twats will suggest on radio phone-ins

OVERCROWDED migrant centres? More arriving every day? Home secretary given permission to unleash your most bigoted flights of fancy? Here’s where they should go: 

Prison hulks, suggested by Joe of King’s Lynn

Racists love the idea of migrants being in cramped, 18th century, rat-infested conditions offshore. Far better than simple, cheap migrant centres on land where you’re not impeded by the bloody sea all the time. No-one has ever said ‘We’re a bit short of space. Let’s turn HMS Hermes into a Waitrose.’

Anthrax Island, suggested by Norman of Wallasey

Gruinard Island isn’t close to anywhere but Scotland, and proponents of this solution don’t regard the Scots as human. The host of the phone-in may point out the impracticality of housing migrants somewhere without any infrastructure. Norman will handwave this away, saying there are plenty of seabirds to eat. And if there’s a bit of anthrax left, so be it.

POW camps, suggested by Joan of Seaford

A few Stalag Lufts would delight migrant-loathing obsessives. The barbed wire and machine guns would keep migrants in and they’ve got a lovely nostalgic wartime vibe to them. Given the sheer number of dewy-eyed WW2 buffs in Britain they’ll become a massive tourist attraction.

Caverns, suggested by Bill of Castleton

Britain has loads of caverns with underground streams to drink, so set a few aside for migrants. Obviously you’d have to seal them in and if they evolved into blind cannibal monstrosities that hunt by scent, issue hunting licences. Bill, a regular caller to Radio Derby, humbly accepts the nation’s thanks for his visionary idea.

Moon colonies, by Margaret of Guildford

Pro: stops migrants escaping to commit vile crimes like working for less than miniumum wage at a car wash. Con: requires trillions of investment in technology over decades. Utterly deranged and if Margaret is contemplating this, even for a few seconds, she may be Suella Braverman herself.

Throw them out of RAF transports at 32,000ft, by Tony of Acton

With a parachute. We’re not murderers. Fly over Libya, Tanzania or wherever and out they go through the cargo doors. Wholly impractical but Brexiters like Tony voted against international law and for the right to a foreigner-free Britain. Who’s with him?