Rishi Sunak to shake up big bag of twats

RISHI Sunak is to give the big bag of Tory twats he has no choice but to work with a really good shake and see what comes out. 

Sunak, who has the dregs of no less than five failed administrations to choose from, has been forced into a Cabinet reshuffle by yet another dirty bastard resigning and cannot wait to see what scum floats to the top this time.

He said: “F**king hell. And we thought Theresa May was running on empty.

“That was before Boris’s purge of all the talents, before the complete moral collapse of the party and before we were permanently 20 points behind in the polls and everyone capable pissed off.

“Look at what I’m working with here. Half the cabinet’s already been done for ethical violations or being investigated for bullying or just plain useless. We had to bring Hunt back to be chancellor. That’s how desperate this is.

“And any prick I sack will cause outrage among all their prick backbencher mates and destabilise the whole bloody government. All I can do is fling twats around and hope a couple end up as Ministers of Not F**king Up Too Frequently.

“Alright, here we go. First bellend out of the bag is… f**king hell. Penny bleeding Mordaunt.”

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Woman apologises for all the bad shit she did on running high

A WOMAN is mortified after being told of all the wild shit she pulled while tripping on a post-cardio rush of endorphins.

Joanna Kramer, aged 32, thought she could handle a light jog around the park, before falling into a 5K sprint and horrifying a whole Starbucks with her crazed, elated behaviour afterwards.

Kramer said: “I woke after some carbs and a power nap, and realised just how off my f**king head I’d been.

“I got flashbacks of rocking up with a spring in my step, a smile on my face and a genuine zest for life, necking bottle after bottle of water. I apologised to the whole group chat.

“Then, privately, I tried to make amends with my boyfriend. I was chatting all kinds of nonsense about my mood being lifted, and stretching right in front of him. At one point, I tried to get him to do lunges. I was seriously gone.

“And the poor girls who looked after me in the toilets. Apparently I was so impressed with the health of my bowel movements I thought everyone should see.

“Turns out while I was peaking I paid £45 to enter a half-marathon, and there’s no refunds. These race pushers take advantage of people who don’t know when to stop.

“My sister had to pay for my taxi home. I could walk fine, but God know what would have happened if my brain had one more drop of exercise-induced dopamine.”