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Silent Liz Truss standing two feet behind you

A SILENT Liz Truss is appearing at workplaces across the country whenever a major f**k-up is being corrected. 

From Inverness to Penzance wherever an employee is sorting out a serious error caused by someone else, they feel an insubstantial presence and turn to find the prime minister, hollow-eyed and blinking, over their right shoulder.

Oliver O’Connor of Exeter said: “All last week’s shipping orders had been overwritten onto this week’s by some f**king muppet. I wearily started fixing it. Then I saw her.

“Her mask of a face, reflected in my screen, staring at some imagined object. Her pained smile. A feeling of absence even in her presence. I turned and said ‘Hello?’ but she didn’t react even when I waved my hand in front of her.

“Eventually I gave up, sorted the shipping orders, and the moment I finished and she turned and left without a word. It was a relief to have her gone. It’s not like she was any bloody use.”

Parapsychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “She’s appearing simultaneously all over the UK, from building sites to home offices, never saying anything, never doing anything, just bearing witness to the reversing of the errors of others.

“It’s creepy at first, but she’s such an insubstantial presence after a couple of minutes you completely forget she’s even there.”

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Is your house adequately cold and damp-proofed or do you live in Britain?

IS your home cosy, warm and winterproofed? Or does it suffer from draughts, damp patches and being in the UK? Find out: 

Are there any drafts in your home?

A) No. The air is only disturbed by your own movements, otherwise it’s a calm, temperate bubble that stays perfectly warm.
B) There’s the letterbox, under the doors, at various windows, the chimney and on Sunday you’d swear one was coming from under the fridge. Plus several cold spots where previous tenants died.

Have you ever seen condensation or mould?

A) Condensation? Is that a scientific phenomenon? And mould? Such as would appear on bread?
B) The condensation starts spreading from the windows to the walls about this time of year, and the mould spots the ceiling like a leopardskin handbag. It’s okay as long as you clean it off every third day.

Does your boiler work perfectly?

A) It’s never occurred to me that it couldn’t. The shower flows, the rooms heat, it’s an infallible silent servant.
B) It mainly keeps lurching on, apart from the groans, creaks and sudden terrifying rumblings. And sometimes the outflow freezes. And the radiators upstairs only get lukewarm.

Is your home efficiently insulated?

A) Your property was designed to meet the highest international energy efficiency standards. Not just for you. For the planet.
B) There’s some in the loft maybe? Something came through the door about it but it cost thousands, so you recycled it with the takeaway menus.

Have you put the heating on yet?

A) Why? It’s barely autumn.
B) No, even though it’s bloody autumn. There was one week post-summer of reasonable temperature and now it’s back to the Arctic Circle. You can’t afford warmth. Not this year.

Answers

Mostly As: Congratulations! You live in Germany or Norway or some other country of smug f**kers whose houses weren’t built with plenty of holes to encourage stronger character. Enjoy your boringly steady temperatures.

Mostly Bs: Bad news, you live in Britain, where despite the monotony of cold winters and unabating rain we don’t take either into account while building. Old or new house, you’re cold and paying thousands for it.

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